Waiting
by GreenGreyBlue
Summary: HIATUS! On June 30, 2012, Allen dies. On July 1, 2011, he wakes up, and the cycle begins yet again. Will he and his friends ever be free of this endless loop? Violence, sexual themes, trigger warnings, extremely confusing; full warning inside. WILL BE REWRITTEN.
1. Prelude

**It's hard to fit everything you want to say into a summary where you're only allowed a certain amount of characters. **

**I was going to explain the plot a little bit better here but I think this story will be a bit more interesting if I let it slowly build up and keep people wondering. I just have to hope I get it right and don't confuse people too much.**

**Although yes it may be a bit confusing.**

**The idea has been wandering around my brain for a while and I had originally intended on writing this as a real story, but I didn't think it would actually work that way. Then suddenly at work one day I thought how great it would work as a fan fiction.**

**And since I don't feel like writing fan fiction for anything else it became a D Gray-Man fic.**

**Anyway this is my third.**

**Please review with ideas, opinions, judgements…anything really, I want to know.**

**Enjoy.**

Waiting.

Prelude.

It was the same night he had experience so many times before. The temperature was the same, as was the weather, the same events occurred around the world. The only thing that changed on this night was the way that he died. The Eleventh Hour was approaching fast, or should he say the twelfth hour? He always died at midnight.

It was June the thirtieth again and it was a cool winters night. The boy shivered slightly and his breath came out in a white mist. There was a small breeze in the air just like all the other nights he had lived through this. Because he did live, if there was one thing Allen Walker wanted more than anything it was to not live through the night. He knew he was going to die so on that night, on that June thirtieth he decided that if he was going to die anyway, at least this time he was going to decide how it would happen.

A slightly bigger gust of wind blew around him and he shivered more as he slowly stepped up to the edge. He looked down and despite his resolve felt a little scared. The ground was ten storeys below him and it looked so dark down below. He couldn't make out anything and the whole thing reminded him some how of the mess his life was. Was it even life, when every year his memories told him a different story? Every year new memories were added and his emotions changed. He couldn't stand the constant pressure in his head as the memories fought each other for dominance. Someone he thought he could trust one minute he quickly realised he couldn't the next. It hurt, the pressure hurt so much.

He gritted his teeth against the onrush of emotions and tried to keep the tears at bay. He looked down again at the great darkness below him and wrapped his arms around himself, experiencing a deep inner pain. He felt the tears begin to leak down his face and splatter to the ground. They came in great streams the warmth of them on his face some how creating a small bit of comfort.

"A-Allen?"

He heard someone say behind him. He choose to ignore the voice and instead gripped himself tighter. His body hunching over and bringing the view of the great darkness below him that little bit closer.

"Allen, what're you doing?" The voice said persistent.

"What the fuck does it look like!" He choked out between sobs. "It's going to happen, why can't I decide for a change?"

He heard the distinct sound of heals approach him but stop just before reaching him.

"Allen, you can't do this, just step away."

"No!" He yelled before sobbing loudly, the sobs making his body shake and curl up even more. The darkness that little bit closer once again.

"I know it's hard Allen, but don't do this, this year can be different if you just step away from the edge."

"You don't know shit! Don't tell me you know it's hard!" Allen screamed. "I remember them all, I can feel them all, all the time. I don't forget a little bit more each year like you do, it's constant."

He released his hold around his stomach to grip his head painfully tight.

"This pressure, it hurts, I'm sick of this pain!"

"Back the fuck away from the edge now." Said a new voice entering the conversation.

Despite his situation Allen chuckled darkly.

"How do you both always find me? Every year you both end up finding me, right before… it happens."

"We were both drawn here." The first voice said.

"Fuck up and get down off there." The second voice said. "Nothing has happened to you yet, this might all be over if you just get away from there."

Allen felt a smile grace his lips.

"At this time, it would be interesting to see how it would happen." He then turned around to face the voices. "Unless you want to murder me again." Allen said to the second voice.

"I guess that year you just wanted to shove things in me, including blades." He said his voice cracking, his mentality reaching it's breaking point.

"Please Allen!" The first voice pleaded. "You never know this year might be different, please!"

Allen knew that the pleading wasn't because the voice wanted him to live, it was because they wanted their own suffering to end. He smiled at the both of them warmly before lifting his leg to step away from the ledge. But he didn't put the foot down, he just let it hover in mid air.

"Fuck you both." He said the smile still on his face. And then he raised his arms and let himself fall backwards.

It took him longer than he thought it would to fall ten storeys. He was starting to wonder how long exactly this was going to go on when suddenly he hit the ground with a loud slapping sound. He was surprised at the lack of pain and the fact that he was still conscious and processing thought. He could feel a few things. He knew his fingers were twitching and he could feel the blood running from his mouth and down the side of his face. He couldn't see, the moment he hit the ground his world had gone black, but there were still some things. That slight feeling, the sound of his own blood gurgling in his mouth, but they too slowly started to fade. He was dying and he knew it. The last piece finally faded and he died.

And then he woke up.

End Prelude

**I know it's a little confusing but stick with it!**

**Watch this space...**


	2. July First

**So, bare with me guys, it's going to be confusing for a little while longer but it all comes together in the end I swear. **

**Also, the more I write this the more it's seems that i'm extremely fucked up, so here is a warning to you all.**

**In later chapters there will be, rape, abuse, violence, drug abuse, mpreg, multiple pairings and some kinda twisted ideas.**

**Just thought I should let you all know in case you want to turn back now.**

…**..**

**JULY FIRST**

Lenalee woke with a start and glanced around feeling groggy before her eyes landed on her alarm clock. The horrendous shriek from it being the cause of her disrupted sleep. She pushed herself up slowly and slapped at the alarm a few times before she finally managed to turn it off. She rubbed at her eyes and took in her surroundings slowly. Her room was small but comfortable, everything fit in neatly with only a few scattered items resting on the floor, because they just had no where else to go. He gaze feel onto a pair of running shoes and she remembered why her alarm had gone off way to early. With a moan she pulled the blanket off her self and set her feet down on the floor, shivering slightly from the cold.

She stood feeling a bit wobbly and started to wonder why exactly it was that she did these things to herself. It was just part of the routine, wake up early go for a jog come back to a nice healthy breakfast created by her brother. After that it was too much for her to think, so she quickly stripped and changed into her jogging clothes. She pulled her shoes on and last of all went to sweep her hair back into a pony tail, only to find she had very short hair. That's right, she said to herself, I have short hair now.

With a sigh she checked that her shoes were tightly tied and that she had a set of keys with her before setting out. Outside the house it was still dark.

_It's way too early._ She thought to herself stretching a bit before setting out at a slow and steady pace.

She jogged for a good twenty minutes in one direction before turning around and jogging back to the house. She arrived home with a slight sheen of sweat, a little out of breath and the smell of… something cooking. She appreciated that her brother tried to cook for her, but most mornings she found herself avoiding the monstrosity and heading for the fruit bowl, which was a much safer and healthier option. Some mornings he would get it right and she would arrive home to a plate of poached eggs, some wholemeal toast and a piece of fruit. Other mornings he tried to be a bit more creative. This was obviously one such morning.

She resisted the urge to just skip the breakfast and go straight to her room to prepare for her day. But she couldn't it was part of her routine and the routine must be followed. She kicked off her running shoes and left them by the door before forcing herself to enter the kitchen.

"Lenalee!" Her brother cried turning to her holding a frypan that was spitting and smoking. "I really wish you wouldn't go out so early in the morning, who know's who's out there."

Lenalee decided she really wasn't in the mood for overprotective Komui and promptly ignore him and headed to the fridge. She pulled out a carton of orange juice and instead of getting a glass she drank straight from the carton, something completely out of character. She put the now almost empty carton back and then headed to the fruit bowl to grab two bananas and an apple. Her brother continued to talk to her but she just blocked him out. Without saying a word to him she left the kitchen and practically stomped back to her room before slamming the door shut behind her.

This was also very out of character for her, she would talk kindly to her brother every morning despite what atrocity he had created. This morning however, July the 1st, she just wasn't up for it, she was so annoyed, in fact, she was livid. Thinking of the night previously almost sent her into an all our frenzy. What the fuck did Allen think he was doing? Really! They had been so close and he decided to be a selfish idiot and ruin everything!

She found that she was pacing her room and that one of the banana's she had grabbed was now squished in her firm grasp. Noticing the uncomfortable feeling of the squished banana in her hand she calmed down slightly and loosened her grip. With a sigh she walked over to the bin in her room and let the banana fall from her hand. She wiped the mess on her hand down the side of her jogging shirt and put the rest of the fruit down on her desk. She made her way back over to her bed and sat down for a moment and then flopped back to lie on the bed. She had two sets of memories from the night before. One was simple enough, last night she went to a movie, came home, cooked dinner for herself and her brother, had a cup of tea and then went to bed. The other memory was of her running through the night desperately and then watching Allen do something really stupid.

Now they had to start all over again. Stupid Allen. Lenalee knew she should be out there looking for Allen, but she knew that if she found him anytime soon she wouldn't be able to resist punching him in the face. Instead she started to look for her note book, there was a few updates to be added to it. The notebook was one of the few constants in their crazy lives, no matter what happened they always had it. It had a habit of moving on its own though and would appear in a different place from where it was last left. But with a bit of searching Lenalee was able to find it lying open and discarded behind her desk, like it had just slipped off and been left.

She picked it up and straightened out the bend pages before sitting at her desk and grabbing a pen. She flipped to the back of the book and regarded the list laid out before her. It read like this:

Car Crash

Shot in robbery

Choked

Heart Attack

Drowning

Hit by a Bus

Unknown

Murdered (by K)

Fell out a window

Fell down a flight of stairs

Burnt in Fire

Murdered

Lenalee sighed again whilst placing her pen next to the empty space after the number thirteen and writing, '_Suicide_'. She then flipped back through the notebook before she came to the last entry.

_June 30th 19:23 pm,_

_ Still no sign of Allen, it's been three days now. Neither of us can find him, usually we are drawn to each other_

_ at this time but there is nothing. Only four and a half hours to go. I always start to feel nervous on this day have_

_ I written this all before. I don't remember every year, the only one who does is Allen. We have to find him if we_

_ find him in time we could stop this all._

_ 20:43 pm,_

_ I felt the pull, we're going to find him…._

After reading the finally entry she moved to the next free page and at the very top wrote in big bold letters. "Fourteen…". She then dropped the pen and flipped to the front of the book and scanned the pages. All of the pages were covered in her own writing, with each entry having it's own date and time written on it. There were a few entries not done by her, they were either written in the Japanese Kanji or were a mad scrawl of thoughts and emotion. Just glancing at the style of the writing made it obvious that whoever had written it was upset. The writing getting more and more frantic as the pages went on. Lenalee ignored these other entries and instead focused on her own writing. She glanced over them but didn't really take anything in, she had written them but most of them she couldn't even recall writing. She turned back to the page with the bold head "Thirteen" and picked up her pen again.

_ July 1st 7:27 am,_

_ Woke up alone, no sign or message from the others, but still early._

_ I seem to get along fine with Komui, and he's obviously in over protective mode._

_ What's the point in writing this?_

She practically threw the pen away in frustration and slammed the book shut. She picked up the apple from early and bit into it viciously seeming to take her anger out on the apple. It was gone in seconds and she moved on to the banana, eating it equally as angry. When she had finished she realised she had taken her anger out on fruit and felt more than a little stupid. She decided it was best to put these thoughts out of her head for the time being and head for a shower. After all there was her schedule to keep, now was around the time she would have a shower and change. Then she would head off for classes. It was a Monday which meant that she only had morning classes leaving the afternoon free.

She was happy with this, it meant that she could be distracted from everything the whole morning. But the time the morning was over she felt that she would be calm enough and would be able to start looking for Allen with a clear head. If Allen was found before then, than she was sure she would receive a phone call telling her so and where to go. It wouldn't be hard to find Allen, they always agreed to met in the same spot if they got separated. He was probable there now, but Lenalee really didn't feel like facing him right now. Instead she got a change of clothes and a towel and headed to the bathroom. Yes, she would feel better after a very long hot shower.

…..

He woke up with a gasp of pain as another years worth of memories were crammed into his head. He brought his hand to his mouth and bit down on it hard trying to distract himself from the pain. Random images and memories flashing before his eyes.

_ He wondered the streets alone, not wanting the others to have to see it all again. He wandered aimlessly not looking where he was going. And then he saw them, both of the across the street from him. He stopped walking and looked up at them in fear, if they were here, that meant the time was soon. He turned and ran not looking where he was going, but the moment he turned something hit him. He was thrown so far from the impact and landed with a dull thump ten metres from where he started. He couldn't breath, everything in his chest was crushed. His head lolled to the side and he saw the tail lights of the bus that hit him. He tried to draw breath but couldn't, he chocked for a moment and then closed his eyes._

He screamed in pain at the memory he was forced to relieve, clutching his head tightly. He curled up into a ball on the dirty ground and the memories continued to assault him.

_He slipped in the dark being unable to see in front of him. He fell and fell then landed with a splash. He couldn't swim, he struggled feeble to keep his head above water but couldn't. He sunk under the waters surface flailing the whole time, his chest burning. It was pure torture._

Again he cried out in the pain of his memories. He didn't know where he was, he could no longer be sure of who he was because each memory told him something different. Then one last memory assaulted him.

_He fell through the air silently and landed with a crack_.

As he began to fade in the memory so did his conscious mind. His grip on his own head faltered and his hands fell limp to the ground. He just couldn't take it anymore.

…

Lenalee was right, going to class had helped calm her down considerable and by the time she was finished for the day she no longer felt the desire to beat the crap out of Allen. She still hadn't received any calls saying that he had been found but she wasn't worried, he'd turn up eventually. As it turned out she had friends, which she was grateful for. The main one being another constant in their crazy lives, a crazy red head named Lavi. He was a constant yes but he didn't live the same kind of life as Allen and herself. He was always there but he didn't seem privy to everything. His role changed year after year, he was always there but at the same time he wasn't. Still Lenalee was glad he was there that morning.

She had stomped into class obviously in a foul mood. When Lavi had first tried to cheer her up she had, with out realising it, swiftly kicked him between the legs. As he slumped to the ground in pain she merely stepped over him and continued on to her class. This didn't deter Lavi though, he simply got up wincing and followed her to class and even had the gall to sit next to her. He continued his attempts to cheer her up through class and by the end of it he had succeeded in putting a smile on her face. When she went to leave Lavi had grabbed her arm and dragged her to a local Cafe' for coffee despite her protests that she had somewhere else to be. Lavi's response was that she was still too grouchy to be anywhere else.

She was glad she went with him. They enjoyed a coffee each and shared a piece of banana bread, talking the whole time. By the time they left and went there separate ways Lenalee was in a much better mood and much more prepared to find Allen. She walked to their meeting place expecting to find Allen sitting there waiting like he always was. The three of them had decided that since they all started off in a different place they should all meet at the fountain at the city centre. They had decided this because it was a big enough land mark and easy enough to get there from anywhere else. Also there were benches around the fountain for them to wait on.

Lenalee walked to the towards the usual spot, feeling a bit guilty at having made Allen wait half the day. But when she got there there was no one but an old woman sitting on the bench. A little dumbstruck and confused Lenalee sat herself beside the old woman and wondered what to do.

"Excuse me?" Lenalee said turning to the woman next to her.

"Yes dear?" The woman said turning to her.

"Have you seen a young man here, kinda short, pale, white hair, strange mark down his face." Lenalee said tracing a finger down her own face.

"I'm sorry dear I haven't."

"Oh." Was all she could say.

She leaned back on the bench and wondered where he could be. If he wasn't here she should have at least received a phone call by now. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone opening her contacts and scanning through the list. Another constant that never changed was Kanda's phone number. Year after year it was always the same. He thumb hovered above the call button, she knew she should call him, but she really wasn't in the mood to talk to him. He would be more… agitated than usual today and she knew if she called him and told him she couldn't find Allen that she wouldn't get a very nice response. Instead she put the phone back in her pocket and stood with a sigh.

"Thanks for your help." She said to the woman.

"No problem." She responded.

Lenalee then turned and walked away. She couldn't wait around for Allen, after all there was the routine, it was Monday and on Monday's she always went grocery shopping and it was her night to cook.

…..

He woke again with another gasp of pain, but something was different, most definitely wrong. There was something missing from his memories. There was so many crammed into his head it was hard to tell, but there was definitely something amiss, and it seemed to be something very important. Also he realised there was some where he was suppose to be, someone he was suppose to meet, but he couldn't put a name to that someone. Yes, something was wrong alright. Use to the constant pressure in his head, the constant memories, he found it strange that he was now having trouble remembering things.

He opened his eyes slowly and saw nothing but darkness. Was it night? Or could he just not see? He began to feel scared. He blinked his eyes a few more times and realised he could see faintly, it must just be night. With a grimace he made to push himself up but a sharp pain to his head made him loose his strength and crash back down to the ground. His vision spun and he knew he was about to loose consciousness once again. Right before he closed his eyes another new memory forced it's way into his already full head.

_The metal beneath him was cold and made him shiver. He tried to move and found the he was restrained, strapped to the table. There was a soft chuckle, it sounded childlike and just a little bit eerie. He turned his head and for a moment his eyes rested on someone else who was similarly strapped to their own metal table. They looked familiar, he knew this person. But before he could focus properly thought his vision swam and everything went dark._

….

**!**


	3. Decidedly NOT depressed

**Boy, did I have fun writing this chapter. I think it's because this was mostly me I was writing as, ahahaha.**

**Thank you all for your reviews I'm glad to know that I'm getting a few people interested.**

**DEPRESSION IS ANGST WITHOUT ENTHUSIASUM.**

It had been three days and he still hadn't removed himself from the bed he woke in. Of course he knew this was what people did with depression, but he, Kanda, did not get something as pathetic as depression. No he was simply angry, pissed off, livid, furious, and a little disgruntled. He was so pissed off that the thought of doing anything else just pissed him off more. If he stood up and left the room he was certain he would probably kill someone. Doesn't matter who, the first person he saw would do. Especially if he was to see that fucking idiot. The next time he saw that bean sprout he was going to punch him right in the fucking nose. Yep an extreme case of pissed off. Not depression.

Just when Kanda thought he couldn't possibly get anymore pissed off, his phone rang.

"This… is not happening." He said to the phone that rattled and vibrated over the bedside table.

He turned away from it knowing if he picked it up it would be thrown into a wall. He decided it would be better for the phone's health if he ignored it. After a minute the phone went silent and Kanda let out a sigh of relief hearing the quiet return. It didn't last long though as the phone started to ring again. He let out a growl and turned back to the phone, he picked it up and almost threw it. He managed to control himself however and instead with a shaky hand pushed the button to take the call.

"What!" He yelled into the phone.

"Kanda it's me." Lenalee's voice said.

Kanda really was controlling himself very well. He wanted nothing more than to start hurling abuse down the line. What the fuck was the point in saying that? 'It's me' really it was just fucking retarded!

"What?" He said again through gritted teeth.

"It's Allen he…"

But Kanda didn't hear the rest of what she had to say because he actually did throw the phone. The sound of it smashing into the wall and cluttering to the floor was a very satisfying sound indeed. He lay back feeling a little less pissed off and draped an arm over his eyes. Stupid fucking bean sprout was pissing him off indirectly now. The small moment of calm he had felt after throwing the phone was now lost just thinking of that guy.

"FUCK!" Kanda screamed in frustration, he was just, so, pissed, OFF!

He heard a thump on the wall and someone say.

"Shut the fuck up!"

HIs neighbour obviously.

"Fuck you!" Kanda yelled back through the wall.

He waited for a response from his neighbour but when he received nothing he smiled. He had won the battle.

His eyes traced over his empty room wondering what to do now. He was sick of lying in bed, but he really didn't want to do anything else. His wondering eyes landed on the phone on the floor. The back of it had flown off and the battery had fallen out. The three pieces lay scattered around the room. As pissed off as he was he knew that he had to pick up the phone and call Lenalee back. He stood up slowly, his body stiff from three days of doing nothing. He shuffled over to the pieces with a grumble and gathered them all together. He slipped the battery back in and fitted the back plate back in place. He then flipped it over and turned it on. A few seconds later he heard the annoying Nokia jingle, signalling that the phone was now on.

Kanda briefly thanked the person who had decided to make Nokia's virtually indestructible. They were the only type of phone he bought, specifically because they were just so hard to break. Any other phone wouldn't last a week with his temper tantrums. He had a Samsung once, he snapped it after three days, with one hand. As soon as the phone finished loading the message tone went off. He had two missed calls both from Lenalee, she was obviously determined.

Kanda scrolled through his contacts, there were few, until he reached Lenalee and then he hit the call button.

"I see your temperament hasn't changed." Lenalee said when she picked up the phone.

"Does it ever?" He asked.

"Good point."

"What do you want?"

"It's Allen."

Once again displaying great control, Kanda did not throw the phone.

"What about him?" Kanda asked as calmly as possible.

"Um, well, I can't find him."

Well, that was new, Kanda thought to himself.

"Why're you calling me?"

"I thought maybe you had."

"If I had I would've called you to come and take him off my hands."

"Also a good point."

"Is that all?" Kanda asked. He decided he would rather be back in bed after all.

"I was wondering if you could look for him?"

Once again Kanda did not throw the phone against the wall.

"Why the fuck should I do that?"

"Please Kanda." Lenalee pleaded with him. "I'm starting to get worried."

"Maybe he's actually fucking dead."

There was silence on the end of the line as Lenalee contemplated this.

"I think, if he was then, we wouldn't still be here."

Kanda knew this was true.

"Guess it's just wishful thinking then." Kanda said was a smile on his face.

"Kanda… just go look for him."

LIttle bitch had him wrapped round her finger and they both knew it.

"Fine!" He screamed into the phone knowing he sounded like a little kid.

He thumbed the phone off and then, just to spite his self control, threw the phone against the wall again. He felt satisfied when it crumbled into pieces again. He turned away from the mess and headed for his closet, pulling out a fresh set of clothes. He then grabbed a towel and headed for his tiny bathroom which was obviously designed with midgets in mind. Kanda figured if the idiot was lost then it wouldn't matter if he stayed lost a little bit longer while Kanda had a shower. Stupid, fucking….

…

He knew it had been around three days. He knew there was somewhere to go. But he couldn't get his thoughts straight. He didn't know which memory to trust or which were the newest. They all felt fresh like every single memory had happened only two seconds ago. There were decades of memories in his head and they were constantly swirling, a continuous klydoscope of emotions and feelings. And it hurt! There were brief moments of clarity when he would know where he was suppose to go, but the moment he got up to move his mind would betray him and he would crash back down to the ground.

At the moment he was laying flat on his stomach his head turned to the side and his eyes seeing nothing. He heard foot steps approach him but didn't take any heed, other people had been by but they all ignored him. This set of steps however stopped in front of him and then leaned down and pat along his body. He didn't really care, he didn't even care when he felt his wallet removed from his back pocket, or a set of keys. He had no idea what the keys were for anyway so why should he care if they were taken. He was also pretty sure there was nothing in the wallet either so they could take that too. The robber walked away and he didn't care.

He closed his eyes and once again tried to put everything in the right order.

…

After a shower in his model sized bathroom and changing into the first fresh set of clothes he had worn for three days, Kanda had to admit that he did feel quiet a bit better. He was still pissed off yes, but he felt lighter somehow. Even the thought of having to go and look for Allen didn't put him back in his earlier much fouler mood. He went back to the pieces on the floor and put his phone back together once again. And once again it proved to be nigh on indestructible when it turned on with no difficulties. He gathered the keys for his apartment, and his wallet together and shoved them in his pocket, he then put on his long coat and left the apartment.

The moment he set out his neighbour raced out to complain about the earlier noises. He opened his mouth to started yelling but before a sound even came out Kanda stuck out his foot as he walked passed and his neighbour went down like a sack of shit. A straight face plant. Kanda was feeling decidedly better as he walked out into the sunshine, even as he thought about where that stupid bean sprout could be. He decided he would jump on a bus and head for the city centre and check at the fountain. Even thought Lenalee had probably already checked there, in wouldn't surprise Kanda if she was just too air-headed to check the other side. Even though Lenalee wasn't really an airhead sometimes she can be a little… well… it was hard to put in words Let's just say it wouldn't hurt to check again.

Kanda easily knew the way, the path to the fountain never changed, which was way it was the meeting point they always used. When Kanda arrived he felt immediately irritated again. The fountain was surrounded by old people and children, both of who were… abnormally happy. He did a whole lap around the fountain and then sat down on a spare bench when he saw no signs of the bean sprout. A group of old ladies passed by and he thought aimlessly about stick his leg out and seeing how many of them would fall over when he did. Would it just be the one that hit his leg? Or would it be like old lady domino's? He knew he wasn't going to find out though, he may be a jerk, but he wasn't a fucking jerk. As much as he wanted to cause someone harm, it wasn't going to be the harmless old ladies in front of him.

Lenalee must have ESP that knows exactly when the worst time to ring Kanda was, because she rang right at that moment.

"What?" Kanda answered with an exhausted sigh.

"Have you see him yet?" Lenalee asked, she actually was worried.

"I just started to no."

"I'm really worried about him, what if he's stuck some where, you know like that year I woke up a… you know, I don't want to say it."

Kanda leaned forward on the bench with a sigh. She had a point, one year Lenalee had woken up to find herself in very dire circumstances. Ones they never spoke out loud about. She had reason to be worried if Allen had found himself in such a position, hell even Kanda was a bit worried, not that he would admit it.

"Where have you looked for him already?"

"I checked his old apartment but he doesn't live there anymore, I've been to that bar he worked out but it turns out he doesn't work there anymore either. I've looked in almost every food court I could find, I would even hang around for awhile just incase he showed, I would have noticed straight away, I mean when Allen's in a food court he draws a crowd. I checked that spot down by the river he always likes to sit at, I even left a note there in case he went there when I was gone. I don't know where to look anymore and I'm really, really worried."

"Calm down, he'll turn up."

"I know he will, but will he be alright?"

Kanda honestly couldn't answer that one and the silence drew out longer and longer.

"I've got to keep looking, I'll ring you when I know something."

"Alright, thanks bye."

Kanda hung up the phone and tried to think how the bean sprout would think. Kanda found this infuriating because all he could think is "I'm a short little idiot with stupid hair and a hero complex", which wasn't helping his situation much. Then he started to think, where had he seen the bean sprout last? That was somewhere Lenalee hadn't tried, it was a long shot, but it was better than anything else he had. He stood up and made his way to the last place he had seen Allen Walker, although the last time he saw him it wasn't a pretty sight.

…..

Footsteps again, coming towards him, but again he didn't care. A few more people had come and gone. Some had tried to rob him again and were disappointed to find that he had already been rolled. Others had come up and felt his pulse and upon finding him alive had figured that was good enough for them and kept walked. One or two had tried to get a response out of him but gave up quickly as he continued to stare ahead blankly. No one had offered him any real help yet, people didn't want to get involved. The newest set of footsteps approached and stopped right before him, he didn't care, didn't notice. His mind was still so full, the images flickering faster through his mind. He so wanted to put them all in order.

Suddenly he was grabbed roughly by his shirt and pulled to his feet. His head flopped around on his shoulders, unable to keep itself up. His head swarm and his vision blurred at the sudden movement of being pulled to his feet after so long on the floor. There was someone in front of his shaking him roughly. He lifted his head as best as he could and tried his hardest to focus on the person in front of him. He wanted this person to leave him alone and let him get back to his thoughts. They were so messed up he needed to figure them all out.

Slowly his vision focused and he realised that in some way he knew the person in front of him. He winced in pain at the memories of the person in front of him came to the for front. He knew this person, he was suppose to meet with them and one other. But who were they? Suddenly his vision cleared fully and who knew who stood before him

"K… Kanda?"

….

The bean sprout for some reason was exactly where he had seen him last. Kanda had walked between two tall buildings and into a small alley to find the bane of his existence lying there on the ground, staring blankly at nothing. Kanda stormed toward him in anger and stopped in front of the still figure.

"Get up idiot." He said calmly to the body at his feet.

He was controlling himself quiet well he thought, but his calm didn't last as the body at his feet refused to move.

"Up." He said a little more forcefully.

Still the body refused to move. So Kanda bent down and grabbed at Allen's shirt pulling him to his knees. His head lolled around listlessly on his shoulders, his eyes lazily darting around.

"Oi!" Kanda said shaking the figure in his arms.

The sprouts head finally stopped flopping around and he raised his eyes to look directly at Kanda. He stared at him blankly for a few moments before his eyes seemed to finally focus.

"K… Kanda?" He asked obviously still dazed.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Kanda asked thourally pissed off again.

Allen continued to look at him with a more than a little confused look on his face. And then his face spilt into a large grin that seemed some what unnatural.

"Kanda!" Allen said lifting his arms to wrap them around Kanda.

"What the fuck?" Kanda said pushing the boy away.

He looked at the bean sprouts face carefully as multiple expressions passed over his face. Anger, hurt, happiness, confusion, sadness, all in a matter of seconds. Each expression only lasting a few moments before passing on to the next. And then he started to babble.

"I hate you. I love you. Where is he? I'm sorry, I didn't mean. I didn't know. I'm sorry. You… you stabbed me. I hate you. I fucking hate you! I'm sorry. Please? Why?"

Each times he spoke a phrase a different expression showed on his face, he kept repeating different phrases and emotions until he seemed to get stuck on one set and one emotion. Repeating it like he was a broken record.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I wish I could. It hurts. I'm sorry." Allen repeated.

Kanda shook the boy roughly by his shoulders trying to snap him out of his obvious delirium. But he just kept on going repeating the same words over and over. Kanda was already in a bad mood and the repetitiveness was really starting to get on his nerves. Finally he snapped and he pulled back his fist and brought it forward to connect with Allen's face. He did show a bit of restraint though, instead of breaking Allen's nose like he could have he simply tapped him, but it was enough to send him to the ground. He lay on the ground dazed for a few seconds and then blinked a few times. He slowly came back into focus and when he looked back up at Kanda his eyes were completely clear.

"What the hell was that for?" He demanded pushing himself up.

"You were babbling." Kanda practically spat at him.

"I was not!" He exclaimed, bringing a hand to his face to nurse his now bruise cheek. He looked around him a bit then back at Kanda, before realisation shone in his eyes and he slowly looked up. "It didn't work, I thought that maybe, if I did it myself it would all be over."

"No it didn't fucking work, and for all we know you monumentally fuck everything up." Kanda spat at him furiously. "We've had to start all over again… again! Because you had to go be selfish, you fucking idiotic bean sprout!"

"I wasn't being selfish!" Allen snapped back at him. "Not completely. I mean I thought about it a lot, and I really thought that it would help. Not me of course, but I thought it would at least help you. And really, either way I was going to die, so I figured, may as well do it."

Kanda was resisting the urge to hit the bean sprout all over again it was infuriating how he turned something so selfish into some kind of sacrifice. Looking at the idiots face he decided 'to hell you self restraint' and pulled his arm back to smack the bean again. Just before his arm went to sail forward Allen suddenly hunched over and hissed in pain, his hands reaching up to grip his hair tightly. Kanda dropped his arm figuring that he was in enough pain already from the looks of it.

"Somethings wrong." Allen squeezed out from between clenched teeth.

"No fucking shit." Was Kanda's reply.

"No, somethings really wrong." Allen said before starting to breath heavily. "I… I can't, f-focus."

He staggered forwards towards Kanda and tripped falling into him. Kanda caught the bean more on reflex than by will.

"Get a hold of yourself idiot." Kanda said shaking him lightly.

Allen groaned at the movement and gripped his head even tighter. One of his arms flailed out and grabbed the sleeve of Kanda's jacket gripping it tightly. His hands made identical fists, one gripping his snow white hair, the other on the jacket sleeve curling the fabric and twisting it so tightly Kanda felt the circulation in his arm cut off and his hand start to go numb.

"I… I, can't." Allen said in a strangled voice, before going completely limp in Kanda's arms.

Kanda blinked down at him confused before mumbling.

"Shit."

Kanda looked around him wondering what the hell to do now. Just as he looked to his right he saw a flash of blonde hair and the twirl of a beige jacket disappear around a building corner. Kanda didn't need to think even for a second, he released his grip on Allen letting him crash to the ground and took off after the figure. The moment he rounded the corner he saw another flash of hair turning left down another alley between buildings. Kanda growled slightly and picked up a bit more speed, he had a sneaking suspicion as to who the other person was. If he was correct in his assumption he was going to beat the shit out of them.

As soon as he rounded the corner he was grabbed and slammed into a wall. Kanda knew he was dazed but there was no way he was letting that bastard get the better of him. He lashed out with a growl narrowly missing his target as they jumped away, releasing their grip on him. Kanda pushed himself away from the wall and focused on the man in front of him.

"You arsehole. Where the fuck have you been the past five years?" Kanda growled.

"Still as eloquent as ever I see." The person replied.

"Howard fucking Link." Kanda spat. "I guess it was too much to hope that you died."

"You know that's not really possible."

Kand didn't reply, instead he set a sneer on his face that probably killed every kitten in a hundred kilometre radius. Link met the kitten killing sneer with a determined scowl and the game began.

It was Kanda who snapped first, despite his 'inner poise' and his years of meditation, he still wasn't that patient.

"The fuck you doing here?" He asked.

Link thought it was easier just to say it straight out.

"There's something wrong with Allen."

"No shit." Kanda snapped.

"Something very wrong." Link said dead serious.

Kanda picked up on his serious tone and decided he needed the information more than he needed his pride for the time being.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"Don't you feel it?" Link asked. When he got a blank face as a reply. "Look at it this way, have you ever known Allen to act like he just did?"

"So? He's finally fucking snapped."

"No, Allen's too strong for that kind of thing. It's like his mind has been rearranged."

"Yeah… he snapped."

Link sighed at the stubborn idiocy of the one in front of him. He seriously had to wonder how the hell Kanda had caught him out in the first place. He was obviously perceptive but it seemed only to be in a way that related to self preservation, not when it pertained to others.

"You really don't get it do you, what's really going on?"

Kanda felt himself close to snapping.

"How the fuck is it that you always know what's going on. Better yet…" Kanda said taking a step closer to Link in a threatening manner. "Why the fuck don't you just tell us instead of tip toeing through the fucking tulips."

Link easily jumped out of his advance putting a good distance between them.

"I'm not telling because it's only a hunch."

"Bullshit!" Kanda roared. "All we've got are hunches but will still share them with each other because we're all on this shitty boat together!"

"Have you told those two yet? About me being the stow away on this 'shitty boat'."

Link took Kanda's silence and the way he grit his teeth as a 'no'. Kanda had kept the fact that Link was stuck on repeat with the rest of them from Allen and Lenalee. He didn't know why he felt compelled to hide it from them, but for some reason he felt it was necessary.

"Something is seriously wrong with Allen. You watch him up close and I'll watch from a distance. I'll contact you if I think of anything." Link said turning away.

"Wait a fucking second." Kanda said reaching out to grab the retreating figure, but in the blink of an eye he was gone.

Kanda looked around him stunned wondering how the hell Link had managed to pull that one off, in fact, he felt a little jealous that he couldn't do it himself. With a sigh he turned and headed back to Allen.

Allen was exactly where Kanda had left him, or dropped him to be more accurate. He was face down on the ground in what looked to be a very uncomfortable position. Kanda walked up to him and without much care, shoved his foot under the unconscious figure and flipped him over. Allen didn't stir and there was a steady stream of blood running out of his nose. Now that he was on his back it was starting to run down the side of his face. Kanda nudged him in the shoulder a few times with his boot but got no reaction. He leant down on his hunches and leaned forward to feel the boys pulse. He actually felt a little disappointed to find it was still strong.

Kanda stood with a sigh and then retrieved his phone from his pocket to call Lenalee.

"Hello Kanda?" Lenalee asked answering the phone instantly.

"I found him."

"Oh my god, I'm so glad, is he okay, where has he been?"

"I'll let you know when we get to the hospital."

"H-hospital!" Kand heard Lenalee stutter before hanging up on her.

He then dialled those three little emergency numbers and asked for an ambulance.


	4. Memories

**Hello-lo, back again.**

**Hits are great and all but I'd really love some opinions, I know my intent is to be a bit confusing but I want to know if it's too much or not interesting enough. I wanna know so please?**

**Thanks to my lone review for the last chapter. You know who you are, and might I say I'm thankful for you who always reviews now matter what, (for my other story too!) so big smiles for you :D:D:D:D:D:D:D**

**ciao.**

**Memories.**

I had taken longer than Kanda thought was necessary for the ambulance to arrive. By the time the ambulance did show up the bleeding from Allen's nose had stopped and he was stirring slightly, on the verge of waking. So when they saw a semi conscious Allen and a very gruff Kanda they were beginning to wonder the seriousness of the call. They grudgingly picked up the half conscious boy and loaded him into the ambulance, Kanda getting in behind him. On the way back to the hospital Allen seemed to wake properly and look around him with blurred vision.

"Beansprout?" Kanda asked leaning over to look down at Allen. "You sane now?"

Allen's eyes continued to roll around listlessly before settling on Kanda. Multiple emotions flashed across his face before settling on one, complete and utter fury.

"You, you…" Allen said not being able to voice his emotions.

He tried to sit up from the cot he lay on as the ambulance dashed through the streets, rocking him from side to side. He raised his hand and drew it into a shaky fist before flinging it at Kanda, who easily dodged it. After his failed attempt to hit Kanda, Allen fell back down on the cot. He tried once again to get up but this time he was pushed back down on the cot by the paramedic. He tried to pull himself out of the persons grip but it was pointless in his weakened state. When he ran out of strength he submitted to lying back on the cot and his eyes locked with Kanda's once again.

"I hate you." He mumbled viciously.

"The feeling is mutual." Kanda retorted.

"Why?" He asked, his eyes becoming lost again, like he was drifting.

And he was drifting, there was too many emotions pushing into his mind. The most dominate one at the time was anger and fury, but there were other ones pushing and pulling trying to gain control. The two most profound emotions were complete opposites to each other. While looking at the person in front of him, while looking at Kanda, he didn't know if he felt pure hatred, or love. It made his head hurt all over again and he turned his head to the side on his cot wincing from the pain in his head. He turned back to Kanda despite the pain and felt another strong emotion, sadness.

"Why?" He said again. "I know I hurt you but… how could you?"

His emotions and memories blurred again and he came back to being furious. He let out a growl of anger and started to thrash around on his cot.

"Fuck you!" He yelled at Kanda, struggling against the paramedic that was holding him down. "Fuck you, fucking rapist, murderer!"

Needless to say this got Kanda a very sordid look from the paramedic. Kanda controlled the urge to strangle the bean and instead put a pained expression of sorrow on his face.

"I'm sorry, sometimes he's like that." Kanda turned away faking sadness and took a deep breath, all the way commending his acting abilities. He continued the act looking away and made his body shudder as if suppressing tears.

He turned back to Allen with a sad expression on his face, this time however he was surprised to realise that it wasn't completely fake. Some where deep inside he was actually concerned about the way that Allen was acting.

"Stay the hell away from me." Allen spat.

He tried to pull away from the paramedic again only to be restrained once again. Suddenly Allen's body arched upwards as a strangled noise escaped his mouth. He twitched a few times before slamming back down as his body started to convulse. The paramedic was quick to grab something and shove it in his mouth to stop him from biting his own tongue. The convulsions continued and became more violent.

"Help me hold him down, before he hurts himself!" The paramedic yelled at Kanda while throwing his own body over Allen's in an attempt to keep him still.

Kanda grudgingly grabbed the boys legs and held them still trying to control the convulsions. Slowly the convulsions became less violent and stopped altogether. Kanda released his grip and looked up as the paramedic also released his hold on Allen. Kanda looked up to see that the beans nose was bleeding again and that the wad the paramedic had shoved in his mouth fell from his now slack mouth.

"What exactly is his condition?" The paramedic asked Kanda.

"I have no idea this doesn't normally happen." Kanda said honestly.

"How far are we?" The paramedic yelled to the driver.

"Two streets!" The driver yelled back.

Suddenly the ambulance swerved to the left and pulled up.

"Alright." The paramedic said opening the back doors. The driver leapt from his seat and ran around to the back as the paramedic started to push the gurney from the vehicle. The driver grabbed the end and pulled it out fully before pushing it towards the doors of the hospital. Kanda rushed after them only to have one of the paramedics hold out his hands and softly stopped Kanda from continuing.

"I'm sorry but you're going to have to stay here." He said before turning back to the gurney.

Kanda figured it was best just to restrain himself and wait as he was told. He huffed irritable before moving towards the chairs in the waiting area.

….

After waiting a short while Kanda had called Lenalee to tell them which hospital they were at. He explained to her briefly what had transpired, leaving out his meeting with LInk. And now over a day later they both stood in front of a doctor outside of Allen's hospital room.

"What?" Kanda asked after hearing the doctors explanation which was laced with indistinguishable medical terms.

"From what we could tell from the cat scan," the doctor said with a sigh, dumbing down his words. "Is that the part of his brain that stores memories is more or less full. It's seems as though his mind is full and he's having trouble focusing his mind. Think of it like A.D.D, more or less."

"Why didn't you say that in the first place?" Kanda asked crossing his arms and looking to the side.

The doctor gritted his teeth, this youth in front of his annoyed him with his gruffness, but his expression quickly softened looking at the female beside him.

"Is he going to be okay?" She asked her eyes glazed.

"We've got him sedated at the moment, but so far we don't know what to do." The doctor said, turning to her with a comforting smile. "No one here has ever seen anything like this before and all of us are currently talking with others in the medical profession to see what can be done. At the moment I'm all for suggesting similar medications to A.D.D in an attempt to help him focus more."

"Will… will that help?" Lenalee asked.

"We wont know until he wakes up. We've already administered the medication but until the sedatives wear off we wont know. I know it sounds bad but this is more or less an experiment. We don't really have any other choice at the moment."

"Can we see him?" Lenalee asked stepping towards him with clasped hands.

Kanda recognised immediately that Lenalee was putting the doctor on. Throwing every girly charm she had at him, Kanda recognised it because she had used it on him more than once.

"Sure." The doctor said moving out of their way. "Go on in."

Lenalee rushing in while Kanda walked at a steady pace nodding politely at the doctor as he passed. When he entered the room Lenalee had already dragged two chairs over to the bed and was sitting in one of them staring at an unconscious Allen. Kanda walked over and plopped down in the remaining chair heavily wondering what was the point in sitting with an unconscious person. They sat there for five minutes, five whole minutes! Kanda was bored, he got up and walked over peering down at the unconscious figure.

"I wonder… If I hit him he'll wake up?" Kanda pondered out loud.

"Don't you dare." Lenalee said heatedly. "Now sit down and just wait."

"Tch." Kanda said striding back to his chair and sitting down again. After another five whole minutes Kanda sighed loudly and shuffled around in his chair. He sighed loudly again from his new position and rested his head on his palm. After another two minutes he sighed again and shuffled around again.

"Oh for gods sake Kanda go find a drink machine or something!" Lenalee shrieked at him.

Kanda was actually surprised out her outburst and blinked at her a few times. There was a slight moan from Allen's bed and Lenalee slapped a hand to her mouth her eyes widening before turning back to Allen's bed. He shifted slightly in his bed his eyes still shut and then went still again.

"Good job." Kanda said sarcastically to Lenalee.

"It's your fault." Lenalee said now talking in a whisper.

There was a shuffling sound from the bed and they turned back to Allen. He shuffled around a while longer and and then opened his eyes. He glanced around with groggy eyes before resting his gaze on the two in front of him. He squinted his eyes eyes at them, his vision too blurry to know who was there.

"Who… Who's there?" He asked feeling a bit nervous. He didn't know where he was or who was in front of him. He was still having trouble sorting his memories out but somehow it seemed a bit more dull, like they were further away. It didn't hurt as much but it was still distracting as hell.

"Kanda?" He asked desperately recalling the last thing he remembered. He remembered seeing Kanda and having a short conversation before the pain started all over again.

"I'm here," Kanda said gruffly, "Lenalee too."

"Lena?" Allen said almost happily, still finding his vision too blurred to made out their faces.

After the relief of seeing Allen awake again, Lenalee felt her anger return over what Allen did.

"Why would you do something so stupid Allen?" She said her voice stern and serious.

Allen jolting back a bit at the tone of her voice, he felt guilty over what he did.

"I was going to die anyway." He said softly. "I thought maybe if I did it myself you two wouldn't have to start all over again. And… it hurt, it really hurt, there is this constant pressure in my head and each year it gets stronger and stronger. It's like someones got their hands on the side of my head and are pushing them together, trying to crush my brain. I, just want this all to be over. For you two and for me. I don't mind if I don't make it out of this, just as long as you two do."

Lenalee's anger dissolved as she listened to him and left her chair to embrace Allen. Kanda however was as pissed off as ever having to hear of Allen's need for self sacrifice. Allen pulled Lenalee away by the shoulders and stared at her face in an attempt to focus his vision. Slowly with a bit of concentration he managed to bring her face into focus.

"Why is everything so blurry?" Allen asked.

"The hospital staff sedated you to stop you biting off your tongue, and causing a brain hemorage." Kanda said, crossing his arms and turning in his chair away from the idiot.

"What?" Allen asked, properly confused.

"Oh Allen." Lenalee said concerned. "You were having convulsions and you burst a blood vessel causing you to bleed excessively from your nose."

"I was, I did?" Allen asked confused. "Oh well, maybe thats just the way it's going to be this year. Maybe this year I'm just going to be sick."

He said this with a sad resigned smile.

"No." Kanda said. "This year is different."

Even though he was looking away Kanda could still feel their gaze on him. His thoughts were with his conversation with Link and what he had said did make sense in a way.

"You've changed Bean." Kanda continued. "I think the only reason you're talking with us coherently is because you're doped up on drugs. Drugs that help you focus none the less. When I found you, you were babbling, like you couldn't focus on any one memory, like you were experiencing them all at once." Kanda frowned giving his own words more thought. He was realising a few things himself. "I… I think that when you jumped, even though you had died before, you had never caused direct damage to your head, if we think about it and look back properly we'll see that."

He pondered some more and tried to think the best way he could put it in words.

"I think if you weren't drugged… you would either be babbling or else… living only one year, one memory at a time, with the rest forgotten."

He surprised himself with his line of thinking as he turned back to the two of them.

"The doctor said, that the part of your brain that holds memories is full, I think…" Kanda paused here trying to think things through properly before voicing them. "I think that since your the only one that remembers every year, your mind filled, and then when you jumped from the building, you kinda… well scrambled them all making it even harder for your memories. Hence why you can't focus… or maybe it's because you mind is just so full. I dunno." Kanda huffed angrily.

Lenalee realised her hold on Allen and sat back in her chair. She picked up her bag and sat it on her lap starting to rummage through it.

"Let's compare with all the other years to see if damage was done specifically to your head. You'll have to help us out here Allen because we don't remember. I know it's hard for you to focus right now but you'll have to bear with it." Lenalee said finding what she was looking for, a worn out notebook. She flipped it open to the back page and looked up at Allen waiting for his response.

"I should be able to." He said quietly, thinking hard. His memories were still in disarray and it was still hard to focus on any one at one time, but it was still a lot easier than earlier. "I think I can focus enough."

Lenalee nodded and then looked down at the book in front of her.

"The first year, a car crash. Was there a brain injury in anyway?"

"No." Allen replied struggling on the one specific memory. "No, my legs and chest were crushed, but not my head."

"Ok, the second, it says shot in a robbery, where were you shot?"

Allen struggled with his memories before replying.

"No, I was shot right here." He said placing a hand over his heart. "It was quick."

"The third year, chocked?"

"Heh." Allen chuckled. "That was bitter sweet, I chocked scoffing down my favourite food."

"The forth, heart attack."

"Well that's fairly obvious."

"The fifth. Drowning."

"Once again obvious, even though I died from lack of oxygen to the brain it's not really the same as feeling your brains leak out of your head."

"You, you felt that?" Lenalee asked saddened.

"Yeah, yeah I did." Allen said looking down with a sad smile.

"Ok, the sixth year." Lenalee said moving on. "Hit by a bus."

"No, I died of blood lose that time."

"The…. the seventh year." Lenalee said not being able to cover up the hitch in her voice.

They were all silent a moment, all of them had perfect memory of the seventh year, and of the eighth. They were they only years that never faded from anyones memory.

"No," Allen said softly not wanting to look either of them in the eye. "I slipped and fell into the river, I couldn't swim… That was the only year you two weren't present."

"That's because we both had bigger things to deal with." Kanda spat at him.

"I know." Allen replied, turmoil evident in his eyes.

"Let's move on." Lenalee said with false happiness. "The… eighth year." As she said this her false happiness left her.

"I don't think we really need to go into that year." Allen said glancing at Kanda but looking away before their eyes could meet.

"Tch." Was all Kanda could say in response.

"That's fine… then the ninth year. You fell out a window?"

"Yeah, but what killed me wasn't the fall, a large shard of glass got lodged in my chest."

"The tenth, you fell down stairs, did you hit your head at all?"

"No, I broke my neck."

"Eleventh, burnt in a fire."

"Another obvious one." Allen said, wincing in pain at the memory of felling his whole body burn until he felt nothing even as his body turned to ashes.

"The twelfth, murdered. I still remember that one… that man chocked you to death."

"I remember it too." Kanda said, remembering running towards the shadowing figures only to see Allen's body go limp his neck encircled by strong hands.

"Me too." Allen said some what sarcastically.

They sat in silence again thinking on one of the few years they all collectively remembered.

"The thirteenth." Lenalee said barely louder than a whisper.

"We all know how that went. I jumped off a building and crushed my skull, along with the rest of my body. I guess that confirms in a way what Kanda was saying. That was the only year I caused damage to my brain."

Allen turned to look at Kanda with a smug smile before saying.

"I guess you actually have a brain this year."

Kanda stood angrily wanting to hit the bean across the face but not being able to. He wished to god that his theory was completely his own, but is was mostly based on what LInk had said to him. This was the only thing that stopped him in his pursuit to hit the bean sprout. That and the fact that he would probable be forceable removed from the hospital for beating a patient, then the police would be called, there would be questions… it really was much to much hassle for one little rewarding moment. He curbed his anger and walked slowly back into his chair.

"Ugh." Allen said, pressing his hand to his head. "it's… hurting again."

He pressed himself down into his pillow, his eyes screwed shut in pain.

"Should I get the doctor?" Lenalee said jumping up and moving forward to the bed.

"No… It's alright, I think I just over did it, trying to focus on specific points."

"I'm sorry Allen."

"No." Was all he said resting his arm over his eyes.

Lenalee settled back in her chair picking up her book again. She opened the book up halfway through and started scribbling in it intensely. Kanda watched her a little curious, it was how she dealt. She would write her notes and stick religiously to her schedules. No matter the schedule she would follow it without thought. Kanda knew what was coming next and he knew that Allen did as well, so he sat back and waited.

Lenalee continued writing adamantly for a few minutes before closing her notebook with a sleek one handed snap.

"Let's start from the beginning." She said, while Kanda suppressed a sigh.

"Sure." Allen said with his arm still draped over his eyes.

He really didn't need to go through it all again, but he knew it brought Lenalee some form of comfort and clarity.

"So the most basic way to put it is that for the last thirteen years we've re-lived the same year over and over. We are currently in the fourteenth year. We only know it's the same year by the fact that the date stays the same. Other things stay the same, such as the lay out of the city we live in. Most of the time we find ourselves living in similar circumstances with similar jobs. One of the things that are always changing are our ages, I seem to be twenty one this year. I've checked already. Kanda?" She said turning to the person in question.

He honestly didn't know, he hadn't really had a chance having spent the first three days in bed depress… extremely pissed off. After that the incident with Allen had arised and he hadn't had a chance to really check. He quickly rummaged around in his pant pockets before he found his wallet in his jacket pocket, not even knowing how it got there. He flipped it open and looked around in it before finding his ID and pulling it out.

"I'm twenty three." Kanda said, slipping the card back in his wallet and then shoving the wallet back in his pocket.

"Allen?" Said said turning back to him in the bed. Even though she already knew the answer.

"Nineteen" He said with a sigh. "I don't have anything to check, but I'm guessing it's the same."

"Right, thats another thing that never changes, while Kanda and my own ages fluctuates between eighteen and twenty seven, Allen's age is always nineteen." As she said this she opened up the notebook again, scribbled a few lines and looked up again.

"The only other major factor is that while Kanda and myself seem to forget what transpired in years passed, Allen doesn't. We do seem to recall small moments but mostly just that we have lived those years, not actually what happened in them. WIth the exception of years seven and eight, Kanda and my own memory seems to only be able to hold the passed two years. I wonder why that is?" She said looking up thoughtfully before returning to her notebook and scribbling some more notes. "Also each time we enter a new year we seem to have memories of what our lives were in the previous years of that… year… thats confusing I'll have to figure that one out a little better."

Kanda realised something very important when she said that but didn't want to voice it. He didn't know how he didn't realise it himself earlier, but every single memory he had of Link was completely clear, no matter what year it happened to be. That was how he knew he hadn't seen Link for five years. Sure he could have just forgotten any meetings with him, but somehow he knew that all his memories of Link were intact. Although he was deep in thought and trying to hide his thoughts, his expression didn't escape Lenalee's notice.

"What is it Kanda? Did you think of something else?" She asked.

"Huh?" Kanda said dragging himself out of his thoughts. He looked at her curious face and quickly thought up a lie. "Uh, nothing, just thinking more on my theory of the bean sprouts memories."

"Right." She said swallowing up the lie. "Is there anything else anyone wants to add."

Her book was open the pen at the ready.

"No." Kanda said a little too quickly.

"Nope." Allen said lazily. Arm still draped over his eyes.

"I guess that's enough for now. I think I should go get the doctor to tell him your awake." Lenalee said standing and walking out of the room.

As soon as she left Allen sat up straight in his bed, wincing as he did so. He pressed at hand to his head again before searching out and finding Kanda.

"Kanda, there is something else. I didn't want to say it in front of Lenalee but I've got a new memory. And before you say it's just the new memories from this year, I can feel it's an old memory. I… I think it's from before that first year. It's old but some how it feels like it's still going, like it's a memory, but I'm living it at the same time."

Kanda jumped up suddenly this was definitely a new development, Allen never talked about before the first year. Despite what Allen had said the moment Kanda had the chance he was telling Lenalee everything.

"What do you remember?" Kanda asked.

"I don't know for sure, but I feel like I'm restrained. I'm lying down, no, strapped down, and there are two other people there, at first I only saw one, but now, when I concentrate I see two. It's strange, it's like, I know something happened before it, but then, my mind gets over shadowed."

He lay back down with a sigh draping an arm over his eyes again. Kanda continued to stare at the bean sprout his eyes wide, this was very much proof of what he had said before. This year really was different from every other year. Kanda stopped the feeling that was building up inside of him before he could grasp it fully. It was the feeling of hope, and he didn't want to feel it.

"Do you know how old you are in the memory?" Kanda asked.

His answer would be proof that it was something significant.

"I'm not sure exactly. But I think I'm fifteen." Allen said.

Kanda continued to stare at him wider eyed, not knowing what to say or think.

"I'll go see what's taking Lenalee so long." Kanda said rushing from the room.

He found Lenalee leaning against the nurses counter, obviously waiting for the doctor to return. He strode up to her and grabbed her arm a little more forcefully than needed.

"Hey!" Lenalee said as Kanda grabbed her and swirled her around. "What… Kanda?"

"He remembers before the first year." Kanda said urgently.

"Wha.. what, that's…" Lenalee said stumbling over her words.

Another fact that never changed, while both of them had trouble remembering the years that had passed, they both remembered what their lives had been like before the first year. Allen was the only one who didn't.

"How do you know for sure?" Lenalee asked feeling a bit scared.

"He knows his real age." Kanda said in way of explanation. "I know it's not much but, he said he felt it was before the first year, and he knew in a way that he was fifteen."

"Kanda… I don't want to hope too much, but some how I think this means that this is the beginning of the end." She looked away feeling herself close to tears "But I don't want to hope too much, I… I don't know how much longer I can stand this. I don't want to hope that this will all be over, I don't think I could stand it if I got my hopes up and we had to start all over again."

She lost her battle and started to cry.

Kanda moved forward and embraced her gentle, pulling her to his chest.

"We all know it revolves around Allen. I have to hope that if Allen remembers that maybe things will change. But I don't want to hope, I…" She couldn't finish her train of thought as the tears overwhelmed her and she clutched to Kanda's shirt tightly.

Kanda pushed her head into his chest, offering as much comfort as he could with his own inability to convey emotions. He felt bad about it, but while he comforted Lenalee, he thought how he wanted to see Link again and tell him of the latest developments.


	5. Learning about drinking

**I'm updating early…why?**

**Well because I read a review for someone going 'when does he get pregnant?'**

**I was like '…. da fuck what gave 'em that idea?' I read back through the whole thing trying to find what hinted at that, then I read what I wrote as the authors note in the first chapter. For some reason I wrote this story contains mpreg, and then i just copied and pasted that warning into my summary…. sooooooo.**

**Sorry for those who are holding out for that kind of thing, but yeah… Allen does NOT get pregnant, not does Kanda. Sorry for anyone who wants that, but it's just a no.**

**I think the reason I wrote that was because, thinking back, I had mpreg on the brain. I believe I had just read a story with mpreg in it, the first time I had, and I was all thinking to myself 'man there should have been a bigger warning on that story', just as I was writing a warning for my own story. That I think is the only explanation I can think of, I just subconsciously slipped it in there.**

**So, I updated earlier just so I could rectify this. **

**Just so everyone knows I'm feeling pretty fucking stupid right now and after updating this I'm most likely going to quite literally, 'drown my sorrows' in a barrel of alcohol. **

**I'm gonna buy the barrel, then the alcohol, jump in and jam the lid down on top of myself, drowning my stupid self in it.**

… **yep….**

**TIME TO LEARN ABOUT DRINKING.**

Days passed and there wasn't any change in Allen. And since the medication seemed to more or less working, and since the doctors still didn't know what to do with him, and most of all, since the hospital needed the bed, Allen was discharged. He was given his clothes back and a fistful of drugs were shoved in his hand, before he was unceremoniously shown the door. He stood out front of this hospital leaning to and fro on his feet, unable to stand up straight. He was high on pain killers, despite the pills that helped him focus he was constantly plagued by migraines and headaches, they were so bad that all he could do was lie perfectly still and grip at his head, teeth gritted in agony. He would cry from the pain and beg for something, anything, to make it stop. In the end he was given high dose pain killers as well. He felt like he was going to fall over so he shuffled backwards until he hit the edge of a bench and plopped down on it heavily. The jolt made his head start to throb again, he pressed a hand to his head and with the other fished in his pocket looking for his drugs. His hand clasped around the bottle and pulled it out holding it up to his eyes.

He found he couldn't quiet read what was on the label. It seemed to him that it went in and out of focus, got bigger and then smaller again. He shook his head wincing in pain, trying to clear his head and once again looked at the bottle. He still couldn't make out the label on the bottle, so with a shrug he opened the lid and took two of… whatever it was. He then reached into his pocket, pulling out the other bottle of pills he had. He opened it and took two of those as well, he screwed the lid shut on both of them and crammed them back in his pocket. He leant back on the chair and took in the sorry sight around him. He noticed that the people entering and exiting the hospital were either grim faced and sad, close to tears or overly happy.

He looked around to the other people standing outside the hospital. There were some others like him, doped to the eye balls and sitting around. Old men and women sat on benched in the hospital gowns and nighties, just wanting to escape the confines of their wards. There were other patients standing further away, clutching a drip stand in one hand and smoking a cigarette with the other. There was one girl not too far from him, clutching at herself, bandages all up her arms crying silently, while a nurse watched them carefully. Altogether it was a truly depressing sight, which didn't help Allen's mood at all. Suddenly the pills he had taken kicked in, his headache disappearing and his whole body started to feel light. He let his head fall back, a content smile gracing his lips, while his eyes closed.

He had drifted happily for a while when a hand gripped his shoulder and shook him roughly. He opened his eyes slowly, surprised at the amount of effort it took to do this simple act. There was a blurry shape in front of his that slowly shimmered into someone he knew.

"Kanda." He said was a slow smile.

"Come on." He said gruffly, decidedly unhappy.

…..

**A day earlier.**

"Why the fuck do I have to take him?" Kanda growled.

"Because he doesn't have anywhere to stay, he can't stay here, and I can't take him with me with my brother the way he is." Lenalee said with a sigh, already having explained this more than once.

"Where was he staying before this?"

"I'm right here." Allen said, rolling his eyes. "You can just ask me."

Kanda turned away from Lenalee to look the bane of his existence in the eye.

"Well?"

Allen sighed and rolled his eyes again.

"First, while I was lying in the alley my wallet and my house keys were stolen, and second, it didn't matter anyway because I was being evicted."

Kanda scoffed at him.

"How come?" He asked.

"Turns out I kept getting fired and couldn't pay my rent."

"Pfft, loser." He turned back to Lenalee and again ignored Allen's existence. "Can't we just dump him at a homeless shelter?" He asked her.

"I'm still here!" Allen said at the same time Lenalee snapped, "No!".

Kanda turned to glare at Allen once more before saying.

"I'm not taking him."

"Listen here Yuu Kanda." Lenalee snapped, the full seriousness of her words expressed in the use of his full name. She jabbed a finger into his chest before continuing to speak. "You are taking him in and that is final."

Kanda glared down at her and she returned the glare full force. He turned away deciding to comply before everyone could realise that Lenalee was coming close to out glaring him.

"Tch, fine." He said quietly.

….

"Get your arse up." Kanda snapped down at Allen.

Allen blinked up at Kanda a few times and then pushed himself to his feet. He stood still for a moment before stumbling forward and crashing into Kanda.

"What the hell bean sprout?" He said angrily pushing said bean sprout away from him.

Allen stumbled backwards until his legs hit the bench behind him, causing him to crash back down onto it.

He looked around confused as to how he got to be in the position. He then looked up at Kanda and a small sloppy smile spread across his face.

"Kanda." He said happily.

Kanda growled and took a step towards the bean.

"What the fuck did you take?" He questioned.

"Um." Allen said digging around in his pockets and pulling the bottles out of his pocket, and holding them up.

"I took some of these, and then some of these… or was it the other way around." He brought the bottles to he face and glared at them trying to remember exactly what he had taken in which order.

Kanda rolled his eyes in disgust and grabbed a handful of Allen's shirt pulling him to his feet. He dragged him along, his feet slipping and dragging across the ground as the went. They reached a car parked in from of the hospital and Kanda opened the passenger side door, shoving the bean inside with less than gentle hands. He stormed around to the other side and opened the door, sliding himself in behind the wheel. Once inside he turned his head to the left and saw the bean trying and failing to buckle his seat belt. He would slowly bring the two points together and then at the last minute try and jam them together,each time missing hopelessly. Kanda looked on amused for a minute before getting annoyed and reaching over to buckle it up himself. He then started up the car and took off fast enough to give someone whip lash, failing to actually do up his own seat belt.

…

Once they reached Kanda's modest one bedroom apartment Allen stumbled inside and looked around, his eyes half open. He stumbled three steps forward, two back, before leaning forward and stumbling over to the bed, crashing down on it face first. Two seconds later he was obviously sleeping, his breathing long and steady. Kanda decided he really didn't want to deal with this right now, and turned around slamming his door behind him. He exited the small building, kicking his neighbours door as he went past, just for the hell of it. He stood outside in the afternoon sun wondering what to do and where to go. He didn't have anywhere to go other than to see Lenalee, something else that he really wasn't in the mood for, so he started to walk.

He walked for around ten minutes before coming to a halt in front of a bar. He thought about it for a few seconds and then stepped inside, deciding it was time he learnt about drinking. He walked up to the bar and leant on the counter, catching the bar tenders eye. The bar tender walked up to him and looked down at him with a smirk before saying.

"Sorry mate, we don't serve sake here."

Lightning fast, Kanda grabbed the tender by the collar of his shirt and pulled the idiots face close to his own.

"Shut the fuck up and get me a beer." He said, shoving the man away when he was done talking.

"Looks like someone's drunk and disorderly." He said with a smirk, his hand going to his throat. "Get out before I call the cops."

Kanda noticed the bar tender had an english accent, which reminded him of the bean, which just pissed him off further. His desire to drink and his desire to beat the crap out of the man in front of him clashed. His emotions struggled with one another before finally one of them dominated the other.

"You do that and you'll be loosing yourself a gold mine with the thirst I've got going right now. Now pour me a fucking drink." He said this very calmly, whilst staring the man straight in the eye.

The tender thought about it for a moment and then smiled a genuine smile, liking the guys no bull shit attitude.

"What'll you 'ave." He said, grabbing a chilled glass from the fridge behind him.

Kanda looked around at the small selection of beer on tap before pointing to a random one with a grunt. The tender walked over to the tap and quickly poured the amber liquid into the glass. He slammed it down in front of Kanda who shoved the man a note, taking the glass in his hand. He raised the glass and started to down it, sculling the thing like his life depended on it. It was sour and fizzy and he didn't like it in the slightest, but he wanted to numb his feelings, and he also wanted to prove himself to the tender. By the time the tender had returned with his change the glass was empty, he pushed it towards the man and nodded, signalling that he wanted another. Already he was feeling the effects of what he wanted, and the bar tender looked slightly impressed. He grabbed a fresh glass and poured another beer, slamming it back down in front of Kanda.

He went to pick up the glass but the tender kept a hold on it.

"On the house if you can do that again." He said letting go of the glass, a hint of challenge in his voice.

Kanda stopped his urge to grimace and met the mans gaze head on. He raised the glass to his lips, not breaking eye contact, and commenced to down the second glass in the same fashion as the first. He came close to spitting it back up as he came to the bottom of the glass, but he held himself and finished it off. He slammed the glass down, still eyeing the tender off. The tender laughed and took the empty glass away.

"Another?" He asked, still with a slight smile.

Kanda nodded and slammed another note on the bar. His third beer was served to him and this time Kanda took only a small sip while the tender went and got him his change. When his change was slapped down on the bar, Kanda pocketed it and picked up his glass, moving away from the bar incase the man challenged him again. It's not that Kanda back downed from a challenge, he just knew that if he was challenged again, then he probable wouldn't be able to do it again. He didn't want to loose out to that bastard. He sat himself down in a booth surrounded by stain glass, probable not the best idea considering the mood he was in. He hoped that by the end of the night he wasn't going to put his fist through one of the panels.

He sat at his table, staring at nothing, trying to think of anything but the idiot that was now passed out on his bed. Unfortunately that's where his thoughts always returned too, and every time he did he gulped at his beer, trying to forget it all in the fog that was slowly starting to cover his mind. He was on his fifth drink, looking down at the almost empty glass when a figure slid into the chair across from him.

"Whoever you are, fuck off." He said not looking up.

A full glass of beer was slid across the table to him. He stared at it blankly before looking up and glaring at the person across from him.

"Link." He spat, before draining the rest of his glass and picking up the fresh one.

"I never took you for a drinker." He said whilst taking a delicate sip from his own glass.

He appeared to be drinking, scotch or something of the sort, on the rocks.

"The fuck you want?" Kanda asked, just suddenly realising how drunk he was.

"Just to compare notes. I haven't been able to see much of Allen considering where he was." He said, taking another small sip.

"His heads full of shit." Kanda slurred, not being in the right mind to put it any other way.

"Yes, I stole his file, interesting read."

"You can actually make sense of that crap?"

"More or less."

"If you knew that then why the fuck are you here?"

Link put his drink down and rested his elbows in the table, his fingers linking together in a teepee. He leaned forward and rested his head on his hands, giving Kanda a questioning look.

"Are you sure there isn't anything else?"

Kanda scowled at him before taking a large gulp.

"Yeah there is something actually." He said, slamming the glass back down, beer sloshing it's way out of the glass. "One thing I noticed is that while I tend to forget everything that's happened, I remember perfectly every conversation I've had with you." He leaned back with a smirk. "Why do you think that is?"

His smirk turned into a true smile as he saw Link register this himself. It was obviously something he had never realised himself.

"I don't know." Link said recovering quickly. "But it's the same with me, most things I forget myself, but every time I've talked with you, I remember the conversation perfectly. There are only few other things I remember so well, my memories of the seventh and eighth year are perfect, as I'm sure yours are. Also I remember little things about watching Allen, they don't seem important but I remember them none the less."

"So what's your theory on this latest… thing? Why can we remember talking to each other?" Kanda asked gulping at his drink again.

Link seemed to think about this seriously for some time, taking small sips from his drink as he did.

"The only thing I can think of is that our meetings must be crucial in some way. Especially now, I can't help but feel that these latest developments with Allen, that we are at the beginning of the end."

Kanda suddenly remembered the most important thing he was meant to tell Link. He went to take another drink but found his glass empty. He turned to Link with a smirk.

"If you buy me another drink I'll tell ya something real interestin'."

Link raised an eyebrow at him momentarily before getting up to comply. He came back with the drink, to find Kanda slumped against the table. He slammed the drink down in front of him causing him to jump up, while Link took his own seat again. Kanda stared at the drink blurry eyed before lifting it and taking a gulp.

"You were saying." Link said, egging him on since he was saying nothing.

"What?… Oh yeah right. Allen told me, that he remembered something from before the first year."

At this Link lost his usual impeccable composure. He gripped his drink so tightly that the glass actually cracked a small degree. He loosened his grip slightly, regained his composure and set the glass back down on the table.

"What exactly does he remember?" Link asked, fully composed, his fingers linking in a teepee in front of him again.

"Not much, mostly his age, and some other things that I don't know about myself. He says that he's restrained, and that there are others with him, also restrained. He says he can't remember more than that."

Link let out the breath he hadn't realised he was holding and leaned back in his chair taking everything in.

"This is more proof of what I was saying before, I think this is the beginning of the end."

"How can we know that?" Kanda slurred. "Both you and Lenalee have said that, hell, I'm even thinking it myself, but why're we thinking that?"

"I honestly don't know, it's just this feeling that I get."

"Me too…" Kanda said.

The sat in silence after that for over an hour. Both of them slowly downing drink after drink, slowing pushing there way to full blown drunk, although Kanda was well ahead on that matter.

"What I wanna know." Kanda said breaking the silence. "Is if we will both remember this conversation clearly, after the amount we've had to drink."

"I… dunno." Link said honestly, trying to blink away the blur from his eyes.

"Another thing, why the hell is the beans head so full, I mean he's what, nineteen, he doesn't remember his life before the first year, and there are only thirteen years. So really that's like… thirty-two years worth of memories. That's not enough to fill anyones head, other wise everyone over the age of thirty would be dead."

"You're a freaking idiot." Link said leaning across the table "Allen remembers everything right?"

Kanda nodded.

"It's not just thirteen years worth of memories, he has the entire life of those thirteen years stored in his head. You're twenty three this time around right?" He didn't wait for Kanda to respond. "You have memories of the past twenty three years you lived in this reality right?"

Kanda nodded.

"And all the memories of last year?"

Another nod.

"And the year before that?"

"Those are… starting to fade."

"Exactly, Allen's don't, he's got all these memories of all the lives he had lived, it's not thirty two years, it's more like two hundred years. Can you imagine, two hundred years worth of memories, remembered perfectly, crammed into a space thats not suppose to hold that much. It's like cramming your wardrobe full of crap until the damn thing can't take the strain anymore and the whole thing breaks open spilling shit everywhere."

Link stood up suddenly, he picked up his glass, swigged the remainder and walked out. Kanda stared at the empty seat across from him and decided it was probable time for him to leave himself. He stood, and slumped back down to his chair. On his forth try he managed to stay upright and removed himself from the booth. He staggered out of the bar, not falling to notice the smirk he got from the bar tender. He managed to drag himself outside and when the fresh air hit him he felt a new level of drunk. The next thing he remembered was crashing through the door of his apartment and falling to the ground, feeling carpet burn on his hands, knees and the left side of his face. He pushed himself up, stumbling from side to side, seeing everything in double. There was a loud splash and the sound of water hitting tiles. He turned his head to the bathroom to see the light on and the door wide open.

"You better clean that shit up." Kanda growled stumbling towards the bathroom.

"I think you're going to have to do it." He heard Allen's voice say, his words echoing around the tiled room.

"The fuck I am!" Kanda said, reaching the door of the bathroom.

He pressed one hand over an eye, which helped him to see single instead of double. He leaned against the door looking at the bathtub which the bean sprout sat in, fully clothed. The water was steaming hot, the mirror having fogged over and a haze hanging around the bathroom. Swirls of steam rose from the water and Kanda, through his drunken haze, noticed that the bean's face was flush red with sweat dripping off it, the water that hot.

"What the fuck're you doin'?" Kanda asked stumbling in and landing to sit on the toilet seat which was, mercifully, down.

"Just a little experiment." Allen said.

He then raised his left hand to show Kanda that he held a small knife in his hand, a knife Kanda knew came from a block of knives in his kitchen. When he knew Kanda had seen the knife he moved and pressed it to the wrist of his right arm.

"What kind of experiment is this? I'm not going to stop you by the way."

"I didn't think you would. As for the experiment, it's a little like what I tried when I jumped off that building. If I do actually manage to kill myself I think you and Lenalee will be free from all this. On the other hand I've got this feeling, I don't think I can die, well, we know that. What I mean is, I don't think I can die until twelve o'clock June thirty. I've been focusing, thinking back, there are a few times I came so close to death before that date, but I always ended up getting around it some how. The experiment is to prove this. What I'm about to do to myself is going to be so bad that something truly ridiculous has to happen to prevent myself from dying."

Kanda had listened and tried really hard to take everything in, he had forgotten half of it the moment he heard it, but somehow what the bean had said made some kind of sense. He swayed in his spot on the toilet seat, slowly processing what was going on.

"Get on with it then." Kanda said waving his hands at Allen.

Allen just rolled his eyes at Kanda and then focused his attention back to the knife on his wrist. He held it like a surgeon might hold a scalpel, index finer resting on the top of the blade, the other fingers holding the handle lightly. He took a few deep breaths and pushed the tip of the knife into his flesh. He gritted his teeth against the pain but couldn't help the sounds that escaped. It was the sound of someone enduring, struggling, like someone trying to move something heavy and was just making noises out of mostly frustration. He held his breath and then started to drag the blade down, slowly, the flesh making a strange sound as it parted. He reached the crook of his arm and pulled the blade out. He panted heavily, finally releasing the breath he held, as his right arm seemed to move on it's own, falling back and resting outside the bath tub. The blood rushed out and dribbled to the already soaked floor, the sound of blood pattering on the floor creating a truly unique sound.


	6. You're going home

**Hello again! **

**I'm so good updating again already, but really i've been writing this story none stop. I couldn't figure out why but I suddenly realised it's because I'm distracting myself to have to trite my other story. It's reached a point where I have to be very careful what I write so as not to ruin it and I'm really not up to that pressure, so I've been slaving away at the one and thought I may as well update early.**

**Reviewers you guys rock, yeah!**

**Opinions that it's an acid trip, I like it!**

**Also I can't believe the amount of story alerts I've gotten for this story, it's quite close to ridiculous. Considering I haven't had that many reviews the amount of alerts is frickin' huge!**

**Speaking of reviews a certain person reviewed who's stories I like very, VERY much (i'm sure you know who you are), and now I'm all nervous hoping they don't read my story and think I'm a horrible person.**

**Ahahaha how high school is that. Kinda stupid right?**

**Anyway hope you guys enjoy. Always open for opinions, cheers.**

**YOU'RE GOING HOME IN THAT BACK OF A…**

Kanda watching the blood pool on the floor and create swirling patterns of pink in the already water clogged floor. He lifted his gaze back up to Allen who had his eyes squeezed shut, taking deep heavy breaths, obviously in a great deal of pain. He opened his eyes slowly and focused on his right arm, hanging limply outside of the bath tub. He slowly lifted the bleeding arm until he was resting it on his elbow, the blood turning into rivers of red down his arm and down the side of the bath tub, slowly turning the bath water a pinky red. Allen pushed himself up a bit further in the tub, having slid down at some point, and the passed the knife to his right hand. Or at least thats what he tried to do.

His left hand pushed the blade into his grasp, but he found he no longer had the strength to hold anything in his wounded hand. It was almost like having a bad case of pins and needles, he knew his fingers were moving but he couldn't really feel them move. He desperately tried to grasp the handle, which was becoming even more difficult by the amount of blood that stained his hand. In the end the knife slipped from his grasp and clattered to the ground. Skidding away from the bath and finally spinning to a stop two feet in front of Kanda. Allen stared at it frowning slightly, how the hell was he suppose to do the left arm if the knife was all the way over there? He tried standing up to go and retrieve the knife, but didn't have the strength to push himself up one handed. He slumped down further in the bath and turned his eyes to Kanda.

"Do you mind?" Allen asked waving his bloodied arm at the knife, sending droplets of blood flying around the room.

Kanda grunted and tried to stand. Tried being the operative word, he got half way up, paused and then slammed back down on the seat.

"Nope." Kanda said, for once easily defeated.

"Guess I'll just have to leave myself half done." Allen said letting his arm slid down into the scalding hot water.

Kanda merely grunted in response. He really just wanted to go to bed right now, but he was curious to see what would happen. Sure he could go to bed and wake up with either a dead bean sprout in the bath, or wake up to find everything going back to the beginning once again. Or maybe, just possibly, it would all be over. Whatever the out come he wanted to witness what exactly would happen, and if they bean sprouts other theory was true. What if the sprout couldn't die until a certain allotted time, that would be an extremely interesting development.

"Kanda?" Allen mumbled from the bath tub.

"What?"

"Do you ever think about him?" Allen asked voice dropping to a whisper, as if he was to scared to ask the question.

"NO." Kanda snapped a little to quickly and viciously for Allen to believe him.

"What about Lenalee?"

"No, I don't think she does." This time his response was quieter and little bit more thought out. "What about you?" Kanda asked this time.

"All the time." Allen replied softly.

The sat in silence a bit longer with the only sound being that of dripping water. Kanda slumped on his seat, his eyes slowly slipping shut.

"Kanda?" Allen spoke up again.

"Yeah." Kanda said eyes snapping open.

"Why…why did you do what you did? In the eighth year?"

It took awhile for Kanda to reply not knowing how to voice it, but decided it was best to just be blunt about it.

"I just wanted to hurt you, I just wanted you to feel constant pain. I didn't care what, as long as it fucking hurt you."

Allen nodded, accepting his answer.

"How come you let me?" Kanda asked, curious at the topic of conversation.

Surprisingly Allen chuckled slightly, shifting around in the water once again.

"I wanted you to hurt me, I wanted you to beat the shit out of me and everything else you did, I deserved it. Also, I didn't want you taking out your anger on Lenalee, or anyone else. I was happy to do it."

"You were fucking happy!" Kanda said overcoming his drunkenness and standing in outrage. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You are seriously fucked in the head."

Allen just laughed again. "No doubt about that."

"This is taking to long." Kanda said walking the two feet and picking up the knife that was dropped earlier. He walked back over the Allen holding the knife. "Hold your fucking arm out and I'll do the rest for you."

His drunkenness momentarily forgotten Kanda walked towards the boy determined to slit the idiots wrist, or his throat whatever came in reach first. But his drunkenness wasn't the only thing forgotten by an outraged Kanda, he also forgot the amount of liquid that was all over the floor, water and blood alike. Before he knew it his feet were at eye level and he was falling backwards and to the side. He hit the tiled wall of the bathroom hard and was instantly dazed, his awareness of just how much he had had to drink was coming back to him. He stayed slumped against the wall trying to stop the world turning, when suddenly things got a lot worse. There was a creak, and then a moan and then a large snapping sound and Kanda was suddenly falling again, this time through the wall of the apartment and into his neighbours apartment. There was more creaking and another loud crack and Kanda lifted his head slightly just in time to see the side of his bathtub shatter and for Allen to flop out onto the ground surrounded by the rush of water.

"What the fuck?" Kanda heard someone say. He let his head fall back on the ground and then tilted it to the side trying to see who had spoken.

"Holy shit!" The unknown person said, leaping over Kanda and pushing himself through the hole in the wall.

It was then Kanda realised that this mystery person was his neighbour, who was now kneeling on the floor next to Allen. Allen was semi-concious by this point, conscious enough to try and push the person away that was holding his body up and wrapping a towel around his arm, but not conscious enough to have the strength to accomplish this.

"What the fuck did you do?" His neighbour yelled. It took Kanda a moment to process that the guy was actually talking to him and not the half dead bean sprout.

"I didn't fucking do it." He mumbled. "Shit head wanted to kill himself and I wasn't going to stop him."

"Shit, shit, shit." His neighbour said frantically as the blood started to seep through the towel.

Kanda decided to ignore it all and get some sleep, no longer was he curious enough to want to remain awake any longer. He glanced up one last time to see his neighbour fumbling in his pocket and pulling out a phone while his other hand pressed the towel down on the bleeding arm. That was it he had had enough, he lay his head down and went to sleep.

….

The sleep wasn't exactly restful, why? Because twenty minutes into his nap he was dragged back into consciousness by his arms. His eyes cracked open and he looked around him trying to make sense of what was going on and what exactly the difference was between up and down. He was pulled forward on wobbly legs and the only things that kept him from crashing to the ground was the tight grip on his upper arms.

"What the fuck." He mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut and opening then again, trying to clear the fog.

He realised a few things at once, number one being he was still blind drunk, number two was that he was still in his neighbours apartment, although he was gradually being dragged out of it. Number three was the blokes that were dragging him from the room were dressed in blue, coppers. Somewhere in the back of his mind he also noticed that Allen was no where in sight, but he kept that thought where it was, in the back of his mind.

His world was a blur from them on. He was taken from the block of units and thrown into the back seat of a car. He could hear people talking to him, more like AT him, but he didn't take anything in. He was more focused on trying to stay up right and to try and quell the sickness in his stomach. As the car took off Kanda found himself rolling around the back seat, the coppers not having bothered to buckle him in, content to let him flail around the back seat. When the car stopped suddenly and he flew off the backseat to land on the floor he knew he was going to be extremely sick. He reached his hand out blindly, trying to find something to grip to pull himself up. He fingers eventually found their way into the grill that separated the front seat from the back, and he managed to pull himself up. He rested his head against the grill and held back bile, before speaking.

"Open the fucking window."

"Windows don't open in the back." One of the coppers said, not bothering to turn around.

"Well pull over then."

Both the coppers chuckled to themselves.

"Yeah, sure mate." One of them said.

"I'm fucking serious." Kanda said, bashing his hand against the grill. "I'm about to puke."

"Seventy-five dollar fine for puking in a cop car." The same copper said.

"Money threats ain't gonna stop it from coming out, so pull the fuck over or put up with the smell of vomit and having to clean up the fucking mess." Kanda managed to squeeze out, before clamping a hand over his mouth as he felt the bile creep up his throat.

The officers looked at one another and then back at Kanda who still had a hand over his mouth with his body heaving and jerking. They quickly decided it was best to pull over and did so. Kanda pawed at the door wanting it to open, even knowing it would open from the inside. One of the coppers opened the door, grabbed Kanda by the shirt and pulled him out, just as his stomach content decided there was no way it was staying down any longer. He coughed out large amounts of liquid that smelt purely of all the alcohol he had downed and stomach acid.

"Hey, watch the shoes!" One of the coppers said.

Kanda looked up with a scowl, or the best he could manage with his body still heaving.

"It's hard to be considerate while you're retching your guts up." Kanda managed to choke out, before returning to throwing up amber liquid.

When he seemed to be done he had just enough time to wipe his mouth with the back of his sleeve before he was thrown back into the cop car again. He lay on the back seat this time with an arm draped over his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to sleep, but with every turn and jolt of the cop car he felt his stomach lurch again. It kept him awake, he really didn't want to puke again and face that fine, he also didn't want to fall asleep and choke on his own vomit even more. So he forced himself to stay awake, finding himself focusing on the dance of lights that played out on the ceiling of the car. It was hypnotising and in a way it helped him to calm down even though his stomach still clenched uncomfortable.

The car pulled over and once again he was pulled from the car. He could walk this time however so there was less dragging involved. Emptying his stomach had helped to sober him up some but his head still spun dangerously. Walking into the cop shop really didn't help his situation any because the building was full of fluorescent lights that blinded him. He was pulled along any how, his feet slapping the ground, unable to walk properly. He kept his eyes shut against the light and let himself be dragged along, not caring where he was going.

He was jerked to a stand still suddenly and almost fell to the ground, but strong hands kept him upright.

"What've we got, another drunk?" He heard a new voice say.

"Yeah and no." Said one of the coppers that held him. "He's drunk as all hell but also suspected of attempted murder."

There was a crinkle of plastic and Kanda opened his blurred eyes to see his kitchen knife in a plastic zip lock bag. The bean sprouts blood stained the knife and had transferred in parts to the inside of the bag.

"This was in his hand when we arrived, but he was out of it and the victim was sliced from wrist to elbow. Neighbour called it in, said this guy." Kanda received a slight shake which made his world swim. "Isn't exactly the friendliest guy in the world. Fell through the wall with knife in hand."

Kanda closed his eyes again, having seen enough, the lights hurt too much.

"Hmm." The new voice said. "Throw him in a cell, we can't really ask him much in this state. If we do any lawyer he gets will be all over that shit. We can't question him with the state he's in."

There was a jingle of keys and then the man spoke up again.

"Cell four is free, we've only got two others in at the moment, both drunks. Oh and get him a bucket, we've already had one drunk mess up Cell One."

"Tell us about it, this guy puked up enough on the way over."

With that Kanda was dragged away again, presumable to his Cell. He was feeling quite indignant about the who situation. Obviously these idiots thought that he had tried to kill the bean sprout, when it was so freaking obvious he hadn't. Sure he was holding the weapon, but what murderer tries to kills someone by cutting their wrist, while they're in the bath tub, fully clothed? Really? Of course, Kanda thought a second later, some people kill and try to make it look like an accident, so why not a suicide? Kanda suddenly started to realise the shit he was in and he wondered if the bean was still alive. If he was then he could explain that Kanda had not tried to kill him, if he wasn't well… shouldn't things have reset by now? But what if he had managed to kill himself and he was now stuck in this existence being accused of murder. But he was positive if Allen HAD died he wouldn't' be in this existence anyway. FUCK! Just thinking about it all made his already pained head throb even more.

The procession stopped suddenly again and Kanda let his eyes creak open once again. In front of him was a desk, behind the desk looked a very bored and very tired older man. He looked up at Kanda briefly before sliding a tray across the desk at him.

"Empty your pockets." He said to Kanda.

The arms that held him let him go and Kanda searched through his pockets bringing out everything on him, which was minimal. Phone, wallet, keys, his wrist watch that was it. The coppers patted him down briefly and then turned to the man at the desk.

"Found this on him in the first search." One said before dropping a pocket knife Kanda didn't even realise was on him into the tray.

The man nodded and then opened the wallet obviously having no concern for Kanda's privacy. He took out his I.D. glanced at it and put it back in the wallet. He then grabbed a small rectangular piece of cardboard and a thick marker and wrote on it.

'Kanda, Yuu.'

The card was slotted into a special place on the tray and then Kanda was turned away from the desk and marched into the cells. He was pushed into an empty cell and a bucket was set by the door, then the doors clanged shut behind him. He looked around briefly and despite being in a cell found he preferred it much better than being outside because there were no bright lights. He walked over to the slab that was suppose to be considered a bed in some way and lay down, just wanting to sleep but couldn't. After that Kanda sobered up the hard way.

He didn't know how long he was there, could have been days for all he knew, it felt like days. He lay on the slab trying to sleep for the longest time but couldn't, so he got up and stumbled around the cell, trying to pace. After doing this for fifteen minutes he fell to his knees and threw up again in the bucket by the door. He felt a little better after vomiting for the second time and goes back to the slab thinking maybe he could sleep this time. But he still can't get the taste out of his mouth, the dryness of his mouth keeps him awake. He would kill for a glass of water, literally kill. If a person was shoved in front of him and a knife thrown at his feet, he would kill them for a glass of water. Hours pass, he's almost completely sober and he would no longer kill for a glass of water, he would kill for a single drop of water. Anything that was cold and liquid he wanted it, anything at all. Anything to get rid of that dry yet sticky feeling in his mouth.

Suddenly after hours of torment his cell door slams open. He peers at the door from his place on the slab and sits up slowly, his head throbbing. There is a figure at the door, another copper, he doesn't recognise them.

"You're free to go." The copper says.

"What?" Kanda asks, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Got a phone call from the hospital. The guy woke up, told the staff it was a suicide attempt, that you tried to stop it. He was questioned for awhile but didn't change his tune, also the wound consists with a suicide attempt, so you're free to go."

"Whatever." Was some how all Kanda could say as he stood and shuffled towards the door. He was glad he was finally sober, but his head throbbed painfully and he still felt delirious in a way.

"You'll just have to sign your stuff out then you can go on your merry way." The copper led the way out of the cells with Kanda shuffling behind him.

The copper went behind the desk and started looking through the array of trays filled with personal belongings. Once out of the cells Kanda went to follow the copper to the cells but had glanced a water cooler and practically ran for it. He grabbed a cup from the dispenser and filled it to the brim with icy cold water. He chugged it down in two gulped and immediately regretted it as the water seem to get stuck halfway down his throat and hurt. He dropped the cup and braced himself against the wall, thumping his chest, trying to free the bulge that had gotten lodged in his throat. It eventually freed itself, but the pain still remained. He poured himself another cup of water but sipped at it this time and made his way back to the desk and the copper behind it. The copper was smirking at him but didn't say anything, he just pushed the tray towards him and a sheet of paper and pen.

"Which hospital is he in?" Kanda asked.

"The Royal." The copper said, pushing the piece of paper towards him again.

Kanda signed it without looking at it, jammed his stuff in his pockets and then allowed himself to be escorted from the building.

If he thought the fluorescent lights of the cop shop were bad it was nothing to staggering out into bright sun shine. He felt sick all over again and threw his arm over his eyes and staggered to a bus stop outside the station. He sat down heavily and fumbled in his pockets drawing about his mobile phone. He risked peaking out from under his arm just long enough to scroll through his contacts and come to Lenalee. He pressed call and held it to his ear, letting his arm slid over his eyes once again.

"Kanda?" Lenalee said upon answering.

"Do you have a car?" He asked.

"My brother does."

"Can you borrow it, I need a lift."

"Kanda I can't just drop everything to give you a lift, I've got a class in an hour. Don't you have a car?"

"Shut it. I've been arrested and the idiots in the hospital again, I need a lift."

"What?" Lenalee shrieked down the phone. "What did you do to him! I know you didn't want to take him in but really!"

"Shut it." Kanda said again, really not in the mood. "I didn't do anything to him, just come pick me up and I'll explain."

She was silent for a moment before asking.

"Where are you?" She asked with a sigh.

"The big one." Kanda said looking at the massive building behind him, realising that he was at the police state head quarters.

"That doesn't really help."

"Roma Street." Kanda grunted.

"Oh." Lenalee said getting it now. "I'll be there soon."

….

She arrived twenty minutes later in a beat up hatch back from the nineteen eighties. She drove passed him once by accident before have to turn around twice, not an easy task being in the inner city, before finally pulling up at the bus stop. She got an irritated honk from a bus wanted to pull up, Kanda gave them the finger and climbed into the car. Lenalee sped off ashamed some how at having pissed off the bus driver.

"Turn around." Kanda said, whilst adjusting his seat to lean back as far as it could go.

"What why?" Lenalee asked, changing lanes anyway so she could turn around.

"He's at the Royal." Kanda said finally getting the seat back and laying down to get comfortable, his arm resting over his eyes again.

"Oh right, well to get there I should keep going a bit further theres a faster way if I turn off up ahead."

"Whatever." Kanda said, he didn't care, his way or her way as long as they got there.

"You look like shit." She said.

Kanda merely grunted.

"You smell even worse."

Another grunt.

"What happened?" Lenalee asked, eyes fixed to the road.

Kanda let out a deep sigh and told her everything that had happened, of course he left out that he was drinking with Link.

…

By the time they reached the hospital Kanda and Lenalee had gotten into an argument over who got to hit Allen first. Kanda claimed he had rights for the first hit because he was kept in a cell over night because of the idiot. Lenalee claimed she had first rights because he had done something so stupid, again, and she had been left out of the loop. They still hadn't made up their minds when they found what ward he was in and stalked up to his bed. However when they came to him Lenalee found that she didn't have it in her heart to slap someone asleep in a hospital bed. He looked almost as shit as Kanda did. He was paler than his usually already pale complexion and he had dark rings under his eyes almost like bruising. He was hooked up to an I.V. that connected to his left arm, his right arm was covered in bandages from wrist to elbow and around his hand.

While Lenalee stopped at the sight and felt miserable, Kanda continued to walk forward and slapped the beansprout open handed across the face sharply. Allen jolted awake and moaned. His eyes focused on Kanda's.

"Well you're fucking right bean sprout." Kanda snapped. "That was all pretty fucking ridiculous."

….


	7. Weight

**12 . 5 . 12 2:55 am**

**Updating again! Once again because I'm distracting myself.**

**I dunno if I like this chapter or not, I think I might have rushed it a bit at the end.**

**Let me know.**

**Also I don't like my summary so fi anyone has any suggestions on how I can make it better PM me!**

**2nd AN at the bottom.**

**WHY MUST I CARRY SUCH A WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS?**

If Kanda's night in the watch house could be considered to be shit, than Allen's night would be reffered to as 'fucking horrendous'. His day wasn't much better, and when Kanda walked in, smacking him across the face and waking him from his first real sleep, it just got worse. He hadn't slept, not really, in his mind lapsing into brief moments of unconscious didn't count, it wasn't restful in the slightest. After the ridiculous incident in which Kanda fell through a wall and Allen found himself being pushed from the bathtub with a flow of water, he quickly found himself strapped to a gurney, again. He was not a happy chappy. He was once again in the back of an ambulance speeding through the streets heading towards a hospital. Lying in the back, strapped down with someone dabbing blood away from his arm, he got to thinking. Why on earth were these paramedics hurrying so much for a suicide? He couldn't comprehend it, he was just some guy who didn't want to live, why were they in such a hurry to save his life when there were other people out there who actually needed to be saved.

"Don't worry kid you're gonna pull through." A paramedic had said to him.

He didn't turn his head but his eyes darted over the the woman beside him. She was looking down at him with a sad smile and running a hand through his hair.

"Why?" He had breathed out, feeling confused.

"Why?" She repeated after him, not understanding his question.

He had stared at her trying to figure out how to voice his thoughts. He just wanted to know why she was trying to save him, wasn't it obvious to her he didn't want to live. But he had to stop himself there, it wasn't a real suicide attempt. It had just been an experiment he just wanted to know if he could die. And some how they idea that maybe he couldn't hurt so much more than dragging the blade through his arm had. It was a burning inner pain that felt like a hand had been rammed into his chest, laced it's fingers through the gaps in his ribs and squeezed and pulled. It hurt so much and as he stared at the roof of the rocking ambulance he felt a tear track down his face.

"I don't, I don't get it." He said to no one.

"Shh, shh." The paramedic said, thinking he was talking to her. "You're gonna be okay."

His eye's darted over to her again, his thoughts once again in disarray.

"Why are you helping me?" He asked her in a cracked voice.

Who was she? Did he know her? Is that why she was saving him? He couldn't understand.

She didn't have a response. His mind raced and he closed his eyes, some how thinking if he closed his eyes his thoughts would close too. He wanted to sleep, so badly did he was to drift in darkness with no thoughts or pain. The ambulance continued to rock and the hand kept running through his hair. He tried to sleep, it wouldn't come, his thoughts too scattered and the burning throbbing pain of his arm as too distracting. He kept his eyes tightly shut as the ambulance finally came to a stop and he was pulled from the back and wheeled inside. Now the feeling of moving while lying on his back without sight was just as distracting as the pain in his arm. It was like floating, and in his delirious state for a moment he thought he was floating. It was distracting as hell.

"Still with us love." The paramedic said to him softly.

Allen twitched his arm wanting to lift it and wave in response, but it felt heavy and was unwilling to move. Instead he cracked his eyes open and immediately regretted it. For some reason the bright lights of the hospital seemed to be hurting the back of his eyes, like the lights were a large skewer that had stabbed straight through his eyes into his brain. His whole head throbbed all at once and it caused him to jolt on the bed. He desperately sort out the woman from earlier and locked eyes with her.

"Head…hurts." He managed to gasp out before hissing in pain and squeezing his eyes shut tightly.

It was at these point he experience one of his brief moments of unconsciousness. His mind went blank and he was grateful, but it was not restful.

When he woke he felt even worse, the pressure in his head was building again. What had woken him was the slight pin prick pain of a needle entering his left arm. With this tiny pain a much bigger pain came to him in the form of his entire right arm. His eyes shot open and he looked down at his arms which lay palm up beside him. In the crook of his left arm an I.V. was attached, he followed the cord up and saw a bag of blood flowing down to his arm. He turned his attention over to his right arm. The bleeding had slowed to a slight dribble but the wound was still open. He was a little fascinated and a little sick looking at the gash in his arm. It was strange being able to see into his own flesh. It was mostly pink and strangely white with clusters of red throughout the whole thing.

"Sorry honey." Someone said.

Allen looked up from his arm to focus on a woman in a white lab coat, a stethoscope around her neck.

"What for?" He slurred.

"Because this is going to hurt a bit but I need you to keep still, alright?"

He nodded at her, but soon wished he has asked what she meant by that. He watched as she held up a large syringe, he had a moment to wonder what she was going to do with this when she shoved the tip into his open wound. His hands clenched instantly and his head flew back. His back arched and his mouth opened trying to scream out but his voice stuck and all that escaped was a slight choke. She pulled the needle out and put it aside. Allen flopped back down on the bed, taking deep breaths, his head throbbing even more painfully.

"What…" He gasped. "What the fuck was that for?"

"I know it hurts but in the long run it's the lesser of two evils. One more."

She picked up another needle and once again jabbed it into the gash on his arm, only further up. Being more prepared for is this time Allen controlled himself a little better, but it still hurt like a bitch.

"Pain killers please." He managed to ask.

"Would you like some panadol?" She asked, pulling the second needle out and putting it aside.

"No I don't want some fucking panadol, I want some proper fucking pain killers." He yelled at the doctor, knowing he would probable feel bad about it later. Right now he was in too much pain to care.

"Just hold on you wont feel it in a little while, just wait." She said this and the got up and walked away.

Allen lay in his bed still taking deep breaths, but they were a bit more calmed and less gasping was involved. He waited, feeling the pressure in his head build, while his arm started to feel… distant. The doctor came back with a tray of instruments which she set down on a table beside the bed. She snapped on a pair of gloves and then with out warning poked her finger into the gash. He flinched instinctively and the realised he couldn't actually feel anything in his arm.

"See," She said with a practised smile. "The lesser of two evils."

"I'd hate to think what the other one is." Allen said glumly.

"Would you rather feel every stitch that went into your arm?" She asked turning away from him to her tray of instruments.

She picked up a large hooked needle with a pair of needle point tweezer, long dark thread attached to it. She leaned forward and with her left hand pushed the edges of the wound together lightly while she slowly started to sew it back together with her right. Allen sat through another strange experience, he couldn't feel his arm at all, but he could feel it being pulled at. He could feel the tugging of the thread and it ran through his flesh.

It took awhile, the gash running up his whole arm. When she was done she put everything back in her tray and peeled off her gloves.

"All done. Can I get you anything?" She asked, false happiness. She was probable convincing to a child, any who had hit puberty could tell how false she sounded.

"Drugs." Was all Allen could think, his gaze still locked on the row of dark stitched that ran the length of his arm. He was really starting to wonder if proving his theory was really worth it.

"I'll have the nurses get you something once you're up in the ward."

Allen finally looked around himself and realised that he wasn't in a ward. He was still in emergency with people constantly coming and going. He nodded and lay back, suddenly realising how tense his body was and how good it was to just let it relax. The doctor walked away and after waiting half an hour a group of orderlies came. One of them unhooked his half empty bag of blood from his stand and lay it on the bed next to him, then began to push the bed. It was an uneventful trip. To Allen it involved looking up at fluorescent lights passing over head, he was bored so he started counting them. There was a lift and more fluorescent lights and then a small amount of darkness and the sound of heavy breathing, the sound of persons sleeping. The orderlies were talking, but he didn't know to who, he felt drained, exhausted. He slipped under again.

He woke in pain again, but not from his arm. It was the throbbing in his head that woke him. His head throbbed and once again his thoughts flew through his mind. He was unable to focus on one little piece, and each memory seemed to pound and scratch at the inside of his skull, begging for attention. It felt so much worse that earlier when he was lying out in the street. Before it had just been a confusing experience that rendered him inert. Now it was a horrible searing pain. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw, willing himself not to cry out in pain. He didn't want to cry out, he could deal with it. He just had to let the pain petter out and go back to being a zombie, he preferred that he really did.

He lay there, not knowing how much time passed, it could have been an hour, or a day or a week, he didn't know. He could hear people moving around him but he didn't dare open his eyes. He was stuck, his body tense and ridged, teeth slowly grinding against each other. He could still hear the people moving around him, but it as distant, and then someone touched his arm. They touched his arm, prodded at it and it was one pain too many for him. His teeth clicked and he felt something come loose in his mouth, tasted a strange powdery substance on his tongue and something hard and sharp, like a rock rolled across his tongue. That was the last straw he couldn't take any more. He cried out in pure agony. His hands flew up and gripped the hair on his head, he felt the tug and pull of the I.V. as it ripped from his arm. And he scream, rolling to his side, unable to stop, hands tugging at hair and pulling it free.

He felt hands pull at him and push him down flat on the bed, more than one set. For a reason he couldn't comprehend someone pried one of his eyes open and shone a light into his eyes. He felt his brain explode at this intrusion and screamed all the more, his throat becoming raw and dry. He hated himself for showing such pain and for giving into it, but it all just felt so wrong. His left arm was pulled out straight and he felt that pinch again, the sting of a needle in his arm. A moment later he calmed and the hands removed themselves. He opened his eyes slowly and peered around. He was surrounded, he didn't know who by, doctors, nurses, orderlies or all of the above. He was slipping under again he could feel it, they had given him a sedative.

"Allen Walker." He breathed out. "Check…other… h-hospital."

He hoped they would look in on his case and know what he needed. He didn't have any form of I.D. on him, no one had checked him in and neither Kanda nor Lenalee were in sight. No one hear knew who he was and that he needed that medication. He slipped under again hoping that the next time he woke up it wouldn't be in agony.

The third time he woke he felt much better. He still didn't exactly feel well rested but his head no longer felt like it was splitting in two, now it was just an average headache. Also his memories felt distant again, still there, still raging, but now they were in a cage. A prison in his mind where he could call each memory up if he so choose with just a little bit of effort. There were people around him again, coppers this time, dressed in blue.

"Allen Walker." One of them said.

Couldn't they wait? He had just woken up, his vision was blurry, couldn't they leave him for awhile more? Instead he said 'yeah'.

"We just wanted to asked you a few questions about last night."

"What about it?"

"We have a man in custody by the name of Yuu Kanda. His neighbour called last night saying that Mr Kanda," Allen laughed slightly at the term 'Mr' but the copper continued. "Had fallen into his apartment with a knife in hi hand and another male, you, bleeding out."

Allen started to laugh again, it really was too much, Kanda had been arrested, for hurting him. He cackled almost manically, it was all too stupid.

"Mr Walker?" The copper asked.

"I'm sorry, but it's so stupid." He said wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. The tears quickly turned to ones of sadness. "I tried to kill myself. Kanda came in, grabbed the knife and then slipped on the floor. That's all that happened."

He said this while letting his head flop down, a few more tears pushing their way from his eyes and sliding down to drip off his nose.

He wasn't tell the whole truth sure, but he figured he better cover for Kanda and help the poor bastard out. The copper seemed truly sympathetic, but that didn't stop him from questioning Allen for almost half an hour, basically asking 'Are you sure?" over and over again but phrased different. Half an hour, and the copper left, finally satisfied. Allen moved around of the bed getting comfortable again, the copper had left him feeling drained all over again. He snuggled into his pillow and finally fell into a real, natural and restful sleep.

So when Kanda came in a little over an hour later and smacked him hard across the face, he really wasn't a happy chappy.

…

"Kanda!" Lenalee yelled picking up the first this she could find, Allen's medical chart, and smashed him over the head with it. Kanda currently in a depth of hell that was mixture of sleep depravation and hangover clutched his throbbing head and let out a growl.

"Allen!" Lenalee said, turning towards him with the clip board held high again. He flinch slightly but she lowered the clip board slowly and merely patted him on the head with it.

"When you're better i'm really going to hit you with it. Just because you can't die doesn't mean you should do anything so stupid."

At those words Allen flinched again from mental pain. Lenalee didn't catch it as she was looking down, slotting the medical chart back on the hook at the end of the bed. Kanda caught it but decided to say nothing. After putting the clipboard back Lenalee went and grabbed two chairs and dragged them towards the bed. She thrust one at Kanda none to gentle and then sat herself on one. Then the silence began, none of them looking at the other, nothing to say to the other. Allen looked up at the ceiling not really wanting to deal with any of them. Then a smell struck his nose, it was the sour smell of alcohol and sweat. He turned his head and smelt it more strongly, then he realised the smell was coming from Kanda.

"You smell like shit." Allen grumbled, his voice feeling like it rumbled in his chest.

"You look like shit." Kanda countered.

"You smell and look like shit." Allen continued.

"You're face looks like shit year round with that ugly as fuck mark on your face."

"At least I didn't fall through a wall."

"Fuck you."

"I'd rather not."

Silence on both parts and then.

"Wanker."

Kanda jumped up from his seat and went to strangle the bean sprout.

"Kanda!" Lenalee yelled jumping to her feet, the clip board magically appearing in her hands again. "Don't lay a hand on him or I will beat you bloody with this."

Kanda stopped his advance reluctantly but didn't back away. Allen and Kanda continued to glare at each other the tension in the air building.

"For God's sake you two knock it off."

The gaze was broken but the tension lingered.

"Um, Lenalee?" Allen spoke up.

"Yes Allen." She asked turning to him with what she thought was a sweet enough smile.

"Um." Allen said hesitant to continue, despite the smile he couldn't help but notice the underlying anger. He was taking a big chance with what he said next. "Could you go and find me something to eat. I'm sorry but I think Kanda and I need to argue a few things out and I know you don't like it so I just thought it was best if you weren't around. Plus… I'm really hungry and the food cart doesn't come for another two hours."

Lenalee looked momentarily pissed off but then she softened.

"Of course Allen." She said standing, she sent a glare in Kanda's direction before walking from the ward. When she was safely out of the ward Allen turned towards Kanda.

"I don't suppose you have a knife or a pair of scissor on you do you?" He asked.

"Uh uh. No fucking way are you slicing yourself up in the fucking hospital. I'll be in jail for fucking sure!"

"I'm not going to 'slice myself up'. But really, do you have anything on you?"

Kanda serached through his pockets and pulled out the pocket knife that he didn't even know why he had it. He held it just out of the bean's reach.

"What're you going to do with it?"

"Just another experiment." Allen said innocently.

"Yeah, because the last one worked out so well for both of us."

"Please." Allen pleaded, a desperate look in his eyes. "I need to know."

Kanda took in his gaze and then reluctantly handed over the pocket knife. It wasn't one of those fancy jobs, but it was just a plain pocket knife. It had a few little attachments. One of them was a pair of scissors, so small that their purpose was almost obsolete. Allen flicked the scissors out, snipped a tiny cut into his I.V. and then handed the pocket knife back to Kanda. A bubble of air slowly started to work it's way down the tube towards Allen's arm.

"Do you think I'll die this time?" Allen asked almost hopefully, not really at Kanda but more to the world.

"I dunno." Kanda answered anyway.

Just then Lenalee walked back into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. She moved her hands out to cup Allen's face, one hand moving up to run lightly through his hair. Allen thought for a moment that she had heard them, but her eyes looked glazed over.

"Lena?" Allen asked.

"Huh." Lenalee said sitting up right.

"What're you doing?"

Lenalee looked down at her hands and then stood up suddenly a small blush spreading across her cheeks.

"I dunno!" She almost squealed. "I was going to fide you something to eat when suddenly I just wanted to come back and stroke your hair."

She looked around her, anywhere but at Allen and then squeaked again when she finally did.

"I-I'm sorry. I'll go find you something to eat now." And with that she turned around and dashed from the room.

"That was… kinda weird." Kanda said.

Allen simply lifted up his left arm and showed it to Kanda. He looked down at Allen quizzically.

"She tore the drip out when she sat down." He said simply.

"Oh… can you put it back in?" Kanda asked, not knowing if this was a stupid question or not.

"Maybe."

Allen leaned over the bed and grabbed the tubing. He pinched the needle between his thumb and forefinger and brought it back to the crook of his arm. He found the spot of blood where it had once sat and was about to push it in when a nurse walked in. He dropped the needle and looked up at her innocently.

"Hello Mr Walker I've just come to check your stitches and oh…." The nurse said looking down at the needle resting on the floor. "Oh dear, your drip pulled out."

She walked forward and picked up the tubbing, winding it around her hand a bit.

"I'll just go an get a fresh one before check your stitches."

She took the bag off the hook and was moved away.

"I'll just try again with the next one."

The nurd and a doctor entered the ward. He told the nurse they didn't need the I.V. anymore. The nurse unwound his bandaged arm, checked, disinfected and re-bandaged his arms and left.

"What a coincidence." Allen said thoughtfully.

"This really is all ridiculous." Kanda replied.

…

**I don't know if anyone reading this has had to have stitches for a really bad gash but this was my experience. I had some sadistic doctor shove a needle in the cut on my arm before she sowed it up. Weather this is proper procedure or not I don't know. It was a few years ago though. If anyone else has experienced this let me know so I don't feel like I was tortured in some way. Having a needle jammed into a giant arse bleeding cut is a very unpleasant experience.**


	8. A different kind of pain

**So…there is this packet of cheese sitting right outside my door. **

**I didn't put it there, I haven't even bought cheese for months, but there is was, at my door.**

**It's been there a while but I don't want to move it because I didn't put it there. **

**But really how did it get there? Why is it there, are one of my feeling lodgers hinting at something?**

**Who knows…**

**On with the show!**

**Hope you all enjoy so that I might enjoy reviews oh BTW, I now accept anon reviews.**

**Also in response to a guess, no I was not trying to kill myself when I got a giant gash on my arm… I was young and doing something stupid, thats how I ended up getting stitches\**

**Still unhappy with my summary, need help.**

**P.S. not properly spell or word checked.**

**A DIFFERENT KIND OF PAIN.**

It had changed again, not much it never changed too much. It was mostly the colour that changed, my the placement was always the same. Sometimes it was a dull brown, sometimes a deep dark brown with a thick texture. Most of the time it was a pinky red. The mark on his face was a deep blood red this time, it stood out so bright against his perfectly white skin. A birthmark that trailed a zigzagged line down the left side of his face, starting in the middle of his forehead and trailing down his face to stain his cheek, even covering his eye lid when he closed it. He leaned in closer towards the mirror and trailed his fingers lightly over the angry red splotches. He was staring at it again, he found it hard not to stare at it. This mark that he had lived so many years with that changed as it pleased.

It was like Lenalee's hair, every year it was a of varying lengths. One year it was long, reaching the small of her back, the next it was short to the point it was almost shaved. Her job also changed every year, some years she didn't even have a job, some years she was a student, her position always changed. Kanda, however never changed, every year he had the same job, lived in the same place, drove the same car, same phone number, same demeanour, same…everything. Whatever cosmic fucked up shit was going on it wasn't enough to change Kanda from his ways. He was a rock, most of the time.

Allen thought back to the first year, it was always referred to as the first year but Allen couldn't understand why. It was just what the other two had called it so he went along with it. The first year, it was confusing to him. He had lived his life normally enough up until a certain point. That point was July the first, he had gone to see his two friends, Kanda and Lenalee, like he did most days. They would meet at the fountain in the city centre and depending on their moods they would go eat, grab a coffee, see a movie or just aimlessly wander. Allen had rocked up that day and greeted them as normal, but when they turned to face him he had stopped in his tracks. Their faces were both extremely pale with a look of shock etched into their features. Kanda tried his best to hid it but he couldn't hid the paleness of his skiing or the way his eyes darted around. Lenalee had tried to smile, but was shaking slightly, with unshed tears lingering in the corners of her eyes.

Allen approached them expecting them to tell him that someone had died.

"Guys? What's wrong? What happened?" He had asked.

They had both gaped at him. Kanda's face twisted into a frown and Lenalee started to shake even harder.

"Seriously whats wrong?" Allen asked at their silence. "You guys are starting to freak me out a little."

Kanda walked over to him suddenly and stood stock still mere inches from Allen.

"What the fuck do you mean what's wrong?" Kanda asked, voice straining to quiet low and steady.

"W-what're you talking about?" Allen replied looking up at Kanda with a forced smile.

"How the fuck can you smile at this!" Kanda asked, losing the battle to keep his voice steady.

"….what?" Allen breathed, some how scared of what was happening to his friends.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!" Kanda yelled.

Lenalee ran up to them, the tears finally breaking free. She grabbed Kanda by his arm and started to drag him away, even as he pushed her away.

There was a heated argument between the two that Allen couldn't quite make out. He stood on the sidelines, his right arm gripping his left, his feet shuffling on the spot. He was scared in a way, he didn't know what he had done, or forgotten to do. Some how he had upset Lenalee and brought about Kanda's wrath. Neither thing he would have done deliberately in a million years, but some how he had done it.

He was just about to turn and walk away, leaving them to argue without his presence, when Lenalee had turned to him with a smile. She walked to him the smile plastered on her face. Even as she smiled Allen could see the tears that still shone in her eyes, and the wet tracks they had left on her face. Kanda too then approached him, his face set into a mask of indifference.

"Sorry Allen." She said pulling him into a hug as she reached him. "It's nothing to worry about, lets just go get some coffee okay?"

Allen's eyes darted between the two wondering what the hell was going on. In the end he just said "Sure" and they walked off.

When he dragged up the memories through his haze he could start to guess why they called it the first year, that was when they had both started acting so strange, that was the beginning of it all.

He was brought back to the present by someone clearing their throat. Allen snapped out of his memory haze and used the mirror to look behind him. A nurse stood there, leaning against the wall, looking bored. It was then he remembered he was in a hospital bathroom stark naked in front of a nurse. She followed him everywhere, depending on her shift of course, suicide watch. He never had a moment to himself, not even in the bathroom as he went to shower. He pushed himself away from the mirror, which wasn't glass, but polished steel with dulled and rounded edges. He turned around, looked at her for a moment and then moved on to the shower. He couldn't understand why she was still there, after this shower he was leaving. He had spent two days and two nights in the hospital and now he was deemed physically well enough to leave.

He turned the shower on piping hot and stepped in, drawing the curtain across. The nurse merely shifted her position so that she could peek through the shower curtain. He didn't say anything, he was use to it strangely, although he wished that he at least had a little time to himself, even if it was just a shower curtain between them. The last two days had been strange. It wasn't just that ever move he made was watched but hospital staff, but because of Kanda. Kanda had refused to leave the hospital. He had managed to convince the hospital staff to let him stay because he was 'sooooo worried about his friend', but the real reason was he had no where else to go. His apartment was currently off limits because of the big gapping hole in his bathroom wall and because it had managed to ruin the plumbing. His apartment had soon flooded and now the whole thing was uninhabitable.

Listening to Kanda on the phone talking to his landlord had been extremely entertaining to Allen. The land lord had tried to blame Kanda at first for the damage done to the place. Kanda had fought back saying he wouldn't have fallen through the wall if the house wasn't so old and shit. His landlord wanted him to pay for the damages, and try to tell him he wasn't getting his bond back. Kanda had thrown back that if his bond wasn't returned the whole complex was going up in flames. His landlord threatened to call the police. Kanda stood his ground and hung up an hour later. He stayed the night in the hospital, sleeping in the sitting room upright in a large chair. The next day his landlord had called him and grudgingly told him that repairs were being done and the builders had said that there was a leak in the plumbing in the wall. The leak had caused the wood between the walls to rot over time, making the walls weak, leading to Kanda falling through the wall so easily.

Kanda, feeling very smug, asked when it was safe to move in and, oh yeah, he wanted new carpet throughout the apartment because of the water damage. A new argument began after that, the landlord stating that Kanda was being removed from the unit. Kanda threatened a lawsuit, so did the landlord. In the end Kanda came out on top and was told he could come back the next day, but the carpet wasn't being replaced. The bathroom would still be being renovated for a time, but he could at least sleep there. Kanda said his version of a thank you, and then told his landlord he would send him a bill for any of his belongings that were damaged. Kanda had hung up as the onslaught of yelling and insults had began. He had won, he knew it, and he didn't need to argue the point any further.

And now Kanda stood outside the door waiting for Allen to finish so they could leave. Allen knew that he was lumped with Kanda and vice versa, Allen didn't have any where to go. He knew Kanda would be out in his room, angry and impatient, stalking back and forth. Allen didn't care about making him wait, in fact he wanted to make him wait, just because he knew how much it would piss the guy off. Another factor was he didn't know when he would get a shower again with Kanda's being out of commision for the time being. He tipped his head up to let the warm water his face and drench his hair. The water was relaxing and he would have gladly stayed that way forever, the warm water running down his body, the wound on his arm only stinging slightly at it's touch. His peace wasn't meant to last. There was a loud banging at the door before Kanda completely ruined his peace.

"Hurry the fuck up Bean sprout! I'm sick of waiting for you arse and I'm sick of the smell of this fucking place!"

Allen let his head drop, the stream of water hitting the back of his head and turning his hair into pointed tips that ended in a trail of water. He just wanted this moment of peace, the sound of running water making him think to the calming sound of rain on a tin roof. He fell back into a haze, the drugs in his system would go up and down. He would have moments of clarity and then he would become numb to his surrounding, seemingly viewing everything for a distance. There was another bash at the door and more yelling but he didn't find it significant enough to respond to. The curtain was pulled back and the water turned off but Allen couldn't find the energy to lift his head. He kept it down the streams of water running off of him tapering down to drips.

"Come on now honey." The nurse said taking ahold of his arm and pulled him out from the shower. She pushed a towel into his hands but he just stared at it. He managed to unfold it and hold it up in front of him but that was as far as he got. The nurse took the towel from him and patted him down gentle drying him off. She threw the towel to the side when he was dry and then helped him dress. She held the pants out for him while he stepped into them, holding onto her shoulders for balance. His grip was slack but desperate, she didn't think he was well enough to leave yet. But it all came down to capacity and the fact that the hospital needed the bed. When he was dressed she took his arm and lead him from the small bathroom and out into his room.

Kanda was waiting cross armed, when Allen walked out he was about to start yelling at him until he noticed the blank expression on Allen's face. There was no point yelling at someone to dense to respond, that didn't stop him thinking about it. Instead he walked forward and grabbed the sleeve of his shirt.

"Can we go now?" Kanda asked pulling the idiot closer to him.

The nurse looked torn, it wasn't her decision to make him stay, but she could maybe suggest it. Instead she just nodded, knowing her suggestion would get no where. Kanda turned around and picked up the bean sprout's hand guiding it up to the back of his own shirt. The hand pressed to his back for a moment and then took hold of his shirt. Kanda started to walk, he preferred it this way. He would have to actively look at the bean sprout but he was still able to know that Allen was with him. He'd notice in a second if the idiot had let go and would be able to quickly turn around and know why.

Kanda lead him from the hospital and they began the walk back to his apartment. It wasn't by any means a short walk, but Kanda's car was back at the unit and he'd be damn if he was paying for a bus ticket for himself AND the idiot bean sprout. No, they were walking and that was that. It was close to an eight kilometre walk but Kanda didn't mind the exercise and he didn't care what the bean sprout wanted, he was too out of it to know any different, all Allen knew was that he was walking.

"Kanda?" Allen asked from behind him after half an hour, dropping his arm from Kanda's shirt.

"What?" He snapped whirling around.

"Can I… try something?"

Sounded suspicious to Kanda.

"What?" He snapped again.

Allen didn't reply, he just turned to his left and started walked. He walked to the edge of the road plopped off the gutter and walked out into the middle of the road. He stumbled out with his eyes closed and stopped, spreading his arms wide as if to say 'here is your target!'. Traffic stopped immediately on both sides. Tyres screeched and the sounds of hot rubber filled the air immediately. One car directly in front of Allen slammed on it's breaks and swerved the car to the left. The car continued to move forward on it's side, slowly screeching to a holt and stopping just as it's side nudged Allen's legs.

Allen opened his eyes and looked down. The warm metal pressing against him ever so slightly. Angry voices erupted around him and he didn't have a moment to think before he was lifted off the ground and thrown over a shoulder. It was Kanda's shoulder and he was running away from the scene as fast as he could. It wasn't easy for him, but it wasn't exactly hard because Allen barely weighed anything. There was no excess meat on those bones and the thing that made carrying the bean sprout so annoying was the bones of his hips digging into Kanda's shoulders.

"What the fuck!" Kanda yelled putting the bean down a safe distance from the site.

They could still see the accident in the distance and could still hear a few angry voices. They traffic had piled up quickly, the line of cars level with them.

"I just wanted to know." Allen said softly.

"I thought we'd already been through this enough times." Kanda said with a sigh, grabbing the beans hand and walking on again.

"It was only twice I needed to know for sure."

'Well… now you know, don't fucking try it again, at least not while I'm around. I don't want to get into trouble because of your stupid arse again."

"Sorry." Allen said just as soft. "It's hard."

Kanda's response was a grunt.

"People think it's hard dying, and it is, I know it is I've felt it so many times. But does anyone think how hard it might be not being able to die?"

"I don't think anyone thinks that." Kanda mumbled.

"No… why would they?" Allen replied. "It hurts Kanda… it really hurts. I don't really want to die, but they idea that I can't, it just feels so wrong."

Kanda felt the hand in his tighten.

"Stop thinking on it." Kanda said once again in a mumble.

"It's… you don't know what it feels like Kanda."

Kanda decided not to respond but continue their journey, hopefully in silence. Eventually the tight grip on his hand loosened, and Allen moved his hand back to gripping Kanda's shirt.

They walked another half an hour, not far from Kanda's unit before one of them spoke again.

"I wonder if you can?" Allen whispered. He had been talking with himself but some how the sentence had slipped out.

"What the fucks that suppose to mean?" Kanda asked.

His pace increased, he knew they were close, but he was some what nervous about the bean sprout and what he was saying.

"Nothing…. never mind."

More silence.

"Hey Kanda?"

"What?" Kanda asked turning down his own street.

"I think… I would have been easier for you, if he didn't have that name."

Kanda's eye's widened slightly, but he didn't say anything. He needed to get back home and sleep and then he need to seek out Link and tell him everything.

They finally reached Kanda's apartment, Allen acted much the same way upon entering the apartment as he did last time. He stumbled a few times and then crashed down onto the bed. Kanda took off his shoes and socks before walking over to the bean and shoving him slightly.

"Get off the bed."

"Where else am I suppose to sleep?" Allen mumbled close to sleep.

"Don't give a shit, just get off the bed."

Allen rolled onto his back and peered up at Kanda.

"Hey Kanda." Allen slurred. "Shouldn't you be at work?"

There was a moment of silence before Kanda remembered he had a job….

"SHIT!"

….


	9. Reckless

**So I will never again post a chapter with out spell checking again, i re-read the last chap and it was awful. *shamed of self***

p.s. cheese is still sitting outside my door.

**RECKLESS**

Kanda was not one for making a scene, he didn't like all eyes focused on him, it was just so annoying. But create a scene is exactly what he did as he burst into the kitchen of his work. He was dirty and disheveled, not having been able to change his clothes for days, and he reeked to high heaven. He was pissed off, which was normal for everyone who knew him, and he was dragging someone behind him. The someone was slumped over and stumbling, being pulled along rather than walking themselves, and had a whole arm wrapped in bandages. Everyone in the kitchen stopped their bustling around for a moment to look up at Kanda as he literally kicked the door open.

"Kanda, how nice of you to show up." The head cook Jerry said, "and you're only," He paused to look down at his watch, "Two weeks late. I'm sorry darling but i think you've been fired."

"The fuck I have, here's my excuse!"

He then pulled Allen forward whirling him to the fore front. He looked around through glazed eyes, taking in all the eyes that were focused on him.

"Um… Hi." He said looking down, feeling the need to blush.

"Um, honey." Jerry said resting a hand on his hip. "You really don't need to show off your new boy toy to us all."

A few of the braver people in the kitchen giggled before rushing off. Kanda turned bright red from anger and pulled the bean sprout back. With little care he found the edge of his bandages and tore them from his arm. When the bandage lay in a heap on the ground, Kanda grabbed him by the wrist and held his stitched arm up for all to see. The few people who still remained in the kitchen quickly left.

"I've been stopping this idiot from killing himself!"

It was the only reason he had brought Allen along. He figured no boss in the world would fire Kanda for stopping a 'friend' from committing suicide.

"Um… sorry, everyone, for taking up Kanda's time. I'm sorry if it inconvenienced anyone." Allen said not realising that he was talking to an empty room, as he was still looking at the ground.

Kanda dragged Allen forward again over to a bench. He pulled a milk create out from under the bench and pushed Allen down onto it, who landed on it with a heavy thump.

"Where's the boss?" Kanda asked turning back to Jerry.

"In the office darl' like always." Jerry said hooking a thumb over his shoulder. Kanda looked over Jerry's shoulder to the mirrored window in the wall, next to a perminately closed door.

"Feed him will you." Kanda said mimicking Jerry's movements and hooking a thumb over his shoulder towards Allen.

Allen appeared to perk up at the mention of food and drew his eyes over to rest on Jerry. Jerry smiled at the kid nervously before walking over to him and looking down at Allen.

"So, uh… oh you're just so cute! I'll make anything you want!" Jerry clasped his hands in front of him as he said this, staring down at Allen.

Kanda made his way towards the office knowing that Jerry would soon enough regret his words. Just as he opened the door he heard Allen start to list on both hands all the things he wanted to eat. Kanda couldn't resist peeking over his shoulder, curious to know the expression on Jerry's face. Jerry's face was lit up in excitement, obviously up for the challenge, Kanda was some what disappointed. He entered the office and closed the door behind him. Seated behind a large polished wooden desk was his boss Cash Dopp. Kanda couldn't help but think of the irony of her name because all she seemed to think about was money and the company. She looked up at him from her paper work, nodded towards a chair and went back to looking at her papers. Kanda sat down and waited for her to finish. She made him wait obviously trying to make him as uncomfortable as possible.

"So Kanda." She said finally looking up, lacing her fingers in front of her. "Unless the family I know you don't have all suddenly died, there is no way you are still employed here."

Kanda stood up and pointed out the window. It was a one way mirror and no one could see in, only out.

"There is my reason."

Cash waited for a proper explanation, one that didn't involve her having to get up and look out the window. Kanda didn't budge though and although she hated to admit it, she was some what curious. With a sigh she pushed herself up and made her way over to the window. Looking though it she saw a small boy, no, young man, seated on a milk create shoved a soup soaked piece of bread into his mouth. She watched on amused as the kid shoved piece after piece of bread into his mouth before bringing the bowl to his mouth and drinking the rest of the liquid. When it was empty he held the bowl up to Jerry with a pleading look. She had visions of Oliver Twist and could imagine perfectly the kid saying, 'Please sir, can I have some more?'. He was cute yeah, but Cash couldn't see why this was what Kanda called an excuse.

"I don't see what your getting at." She said moving away from the window to cross her arms, glaring at Kanda.

"Take a closer look at his arm, the right one."

Se turned back to the window and took in the kid. At first she was distracted by the shear amount of food he was shoving down his throat, but she forced herself to look closer. There was a neat line of stitches running down the inside of his right arm.

"Who's the kid? Did he get into some kind of accident.?"

"He's my best friend." Kanda lied, "And he tried to kill himself. He's been in and out of the hospital for the past two weeks. He hurt himself jumping off a building and fucked his head up, then a few days later he cut his wrist open in my bathroom. You can even check that out, I was arrested for hurting him. I haven't been able to leave his side, and honestly I didn't even think of a phone call I was so wrapped up."

Kanda hid is face and once again commended himself on his acting abilities.

"But he should be alright now, should be, I think he's stopped trying. Either way I can start again tomorrow." Kanda said this in such a way that it was expected for him to just start tomorrow.

"You can't just start when ever you feel like it Kanda. We've already started training a new guy as your replacement, I can't just throw the guy on dishes." Kanda huffed. "You should be the one thrown on dishes, I can't hire a guy as a waiter and then make him a dish boy."

"I need this job." Kanda, almost, yes almost pleaded.

"You should have thought of that before you disappeared for two weeks."

"Take a close look at him." Kanda said standing and walking over to stand next to her staring out the window. "Look at his face, he's not right."

Cash squinted her eyes and focused in on the young man seated on a milk create while Jerry practically cooed over him. He was smiling up at Jerry and eating, but his movements were slow and he had a glazed look to his eyes. He suddenly stopped smiling up at Jerry and his head flopped down, his chin resting on his chest. Jerry poked him a few times before smiling and taking the bowl from his slack hands.

"Did he just pass out?" Cash asked raising an eyebrow.

"Not really, he's pretty tired. Look Cash, he's not just an excuse for missing work. I've had to take him in because he's got no where else to go. I need this job not just for myself but for him." Kanda suppressed a smirk, he knew he was pulling those good old heart strings pretty hard.

"Please." He said adding extra pain to his voice.

Cash let out a sigh but never moved her eyes from the slumped figure. Her mouth twitch a few times as if to say something but stopping. Kanda took it one step further.

"Can't you see he needs help?" Kanda said feeling himself die a little on the inside at the pleading tone he used. He waited and, listening, he finally heard those heart strings break.

"Fine." She breathed out.

Kanda turned away from her and pumped his fist triumphantly.

"You're lucky that customers had actually been asking for you."

Kanda couldn't help but think, that even with all the shit going on around him, it was a massive streak of luck that he had the job that he did. Cash Dopp owned a themed restaurant/ cafe' 'creatively' called 'Underworld'. All staff were required to dress up and perform accordingly. Everyone was allowed to choose what they wished to dress as, be it a vampire, a ghost, werewolf anything really. (Although dressing as a zombie was banned because the waiters were shuffling too slowly and meals were getting cold). Kanda had created his own outfit, which was a cheap suit, covered in red paint. While everyone else's name badge read something like 'John, A vampire" or 'Mary, A mummy', Kanda's read, 'Kanda, A pissed off murder victim'.

After showing up in the outfit and the badge, Cash figured she would have to fire him by the end of the night. But by the end of the night all she heard was good things about him, about how amazing his acting was, and how efficiently he got there orders. He wasn't acting pissed off, he was just that way naturally, and the only reason he got everything done so quickly was because it meant he was around the customers less. Cash was newly surprised that day at the idiocy of human kind. Scores of people had come in, been talked down too, treated rudely, had meals practically dropped in their laps, and PAID for the experience, and at the end of it all they had enjoyed it. This Cash could not understand, what she could comprehend was that Kanda brought in the money, and when he disappeared people had asked for him.

Hearing that people had been asking for him Kanda mumbled 'idiots' under his breath before turning back to Cash.

"So what time tomorrow?" He asked.

"You wont be working tomorrow or the rest of the week, the roster has been set, besides I've got to figure out what to do with the new bloke." She said not looking at Kanda, her eyes still focused on the slumped figure in the kitchen.

Allen twitched slightly and then jumped up suddenly. He wondered around the kitchen aimlessly, picking up random objects and putting them back down. He bumped into a few of the people that had returned to the kitchen before Jerry grabbed him and set him back down on the create. Jerry walked away and returned a moment later with a plate, on top of which was a sandwich piled high with everything. He placed it in Allen's hands, and Kanda watched on as Allen practically dislocated his jaw trying to shove the whole thing in his mouth.

Cash giggled like a little girl at his antics.

"He's kinda cute." She said.

"Except for the whole fucked in the head thing." Kanda retorted.

Allen finished the sandwich in record time and set the plate aside. He then let his head fall in his hands, a grimace of pain on his face.

"I think he ate too much." Cash said with a small smile.

"No." Kanda said recognising what was going on. He checked his watch and counted back the hours since they were at the hospital. "I think he needs his meds again, he gets really bad migraines and I think he's suffering at the moment. I better get him back." He turned back to Cash. "Can you call me when the schedule is all organised?"

"Yeah sure."

"Alright, I'll see you soon."

He nodded politely at her and let himself out of the office. He walked over the the slumped figure and shook his shoulder softly.

"Oi bean sprout, it's time to leave."

"Don't touch me." Allen mumbled.

"What?" Kanda shook his shoulder again. "Come on get up it's time to leave."

"I said don't touch me!" Allen screamed standing suddenly and swiping his hand upwards to hit Kanda.

Kanda moved his head back out of the way and heard a whistling sound. He stepped back quickly as Allen continued to swipe his hand towards Kanda. He dodged the attack easily and jumped back a few metre's and held his hands up in front of him none threateningly.

"Calm the fuck down bean sprout." Kanda said.

Allen's arm swung down to hang at his side, his whole body shaking, and a small knife held in his hand. Kanda was suddenly very glad he had managed to dodge the attack earlier, not realising that Allen was holding a knife.

"Fuck you!" Allen screamed lunging forward again.

He swiped the blade at Kanda's face again, Kanda easily leaning his head out of the way. The lunge at Kanda's face was a fake as Allen swung the blade down quickly and brought the blade back up vertically and slicing through Kanda's chin, drawing blood. Kanda was shocked that Allen had actually managed to land a hit on him and held his hand to his bleeding chin as Allen continued to attack.

"That's enough!" Kanda said reached out his free hand in an attempt to grab Allen's wrist.

He missed twice and received two slashes across his hand before he managed to grab ahold of his wrist.

"Let me go you fucker!' Allen screamed digging the nails of his free hand into the flesh on Kanda's arm.

"Let go, let go, I fucking hate you!"

There was a loud thunk, followed by the sound of vibrating metal and Allen slumped forward against Kanda, knife clattering to the ground. As he fell he revealed the form of Jerry holding a large metal soup ladle, which he had obviously just whacked Allen with.

"Um… sorry." Jerry said. He looked at the ladle and then back at Allen, shocked at what he had done. " Is he okay?"

Kanda pushed Allen up and away from him and felt his pulse and his head. His pulse was regular and there was no bleeding so he figure he was alright. He looked at Allen's face and saw he wasn't completely out of it, his eyes opened slightly and eyes moving back and forth, unfocused.

"I think he'll be fine, I just have to get him back." Kanda said letting go and letting the body slump against him once more.

"I thought he was such a sweet kid." Jerry said with a whine, fingering the soup ladle.

"He's a pain in the arse, but… yeah he usually is." Kanda squeezed out, not believing what he had just said. "He just need's his meds."

"I thought you said he was alright now?" Cash called from the door of her office.

Kanda didn't reply too focused on how to carry Allen. There was no way he was picking him up bridal style, he knew his co-workers would never let him live it down. He wouldn't be able to carry him on his back because he couldn't hold on in his state, and Kanda didn't feel like slouching back to the car. He opted for carrying him like one would a young child. He hooked one arm under his knees and pulled him up, resting his chin on his shoulder. Allen's arms folded up and were pressed between his and Kanda's chest as Kanda pressed a hand to his back holding him in place.

Kanda strode from the kitchen not saying another word to anyone. He carried the bean out to his car and, balancing the bean in one hand, managed to get the door open. He dumped the bean in the driver's side seat and buckled him in , all the while mumbling to himself. He slammed the door shut which made a stunned Allen jump ever so slightly, before moving around to the driver's side door and getting in. He sped off once again not bothering with his own seat belt.

He drove recklessly as was his norm, and cut into the traffic on a busy street that led back to his unit.

"Can you hold the freak outs in until we get back to the house?" Kanda asked, changing lanes without indicating issuing a blare of horns from other drivers. Kanda gave them the forks before speeding off.

"Just that I don't think I can drive and stop you being a dick head at the same time. It would kind of suck crashing."

Allen's head flopped to the side towards Kanda.

" 's'not like 'would die anyway." He mumbled.

"I'm not talking about dying, I'm talking about crashing my fucking car and loosing it and getting fucked up, I can't deal with breaking anything right now."

"You always drive the same car." Allen said becoming more lucid.

"So I've heard." Kanda grunted.

"You know you cried over me once."

Kanda snorted.

"I find that hard to believe."

"It was the first year, do you know how I died?"

"Car crash." Not that Kanda remembered it.

"You were driving, and it was in this car."

Kanda had nothing to say, so he concentrated on driving, overtaking three cars in one go before cutting back in front of an old beaten up ford. There were more blaring horns which Kanda ignored.

"You drive the same too, it was your reckless driving that killed me that time."

"Are you telling me I'm a shit driver? I don't see your driver's license." Kanda said smugly.

"It was late at night, like it always is when I die." Allen spoke ignoring Kanda. "You had just dropped off Lenalee and you were taking me home, we had been out all night, having a few drinks, not many, but maybe just enough. You were driving as you are now. There was no one else around so you drove even faster. I was fidgeting in my seat, I didn't like being left alone with you any more, that whole year you had been acting weird to the point I didn't like being alone with you. You turned and shouted at me to 'stop being so damn annoying'. And as you turned to look at me you accidentally, or even on purpose, swerved the car to the left. The car hit a street light."

Allen pushed himself up in his seat and held a hand to his chest, feeling the crash all over again.

"The pole cut through the left side of the car pushing all the broken bits of metal into me, crushing my legs and chest. You slammed your head against the steering wheel. You weren't out for long, you woke up just in time to see me take my last few attempts at breathing. You know when your a kid and you play 'pile up' where everyone just jumps on top of each other? The kid at the bottom has it the worst, being crushed beneath all the other bodies, but it doesn't matter because you know in a moment everyone will get up and you'll laugh and do it all over again. It was like that, feeling trapped under all that pressure and you're just waiting for the relief when everyone gets up and you can laugh. But there was no relief and your head throbs and you chest tries so hard to draw in breath but you just can't. When I saw you pick your head up and look around I was actually happy, I was so glad you were alright. You turned and saw me pinned and, you grabbed at me, trying to pull me out. All you managed to do was tear new holes in me, but the state I was in it didn't matter. You didn't even budge me and then… you grabbed my hand and you actually started to cry. You crying is my last memory of the first year."

Kanda was too shocked to say anything, the memories that Allen were reliving just seemed too painful. He subconsciously slowed the car and actually indicated the next time he changed lanes.

"Have you told me this before?" He asked quietly.

"No… I never felt the need. You didn't need to remember, even if you could, it doesn't matter. I think the both of you are just too use to me dying to even care about the pain I go through."

Kanda wanted to yell 'That's bullshit', but he realised it was true. In a way it was like taking something for granted. Lenalee and himself had just gotten use to the idea that Allen was going to die that they never thought to long on how much it was hurting Allen. The evidence was now clear though, his brain scrambled and his memories in disarray.

"Hey…" Kanda said with a sudden question in mind. "What year was your mind in when you were trying to slice my face off?"

"The ninth year."

"And what did I do to you in the ninth year that made you want to kill me?"

"Nothing… It was what you did in the eight year that made me hate you so. A part of me still does."

"Did you try to kill me in the ninth year?"

"Yes, more than once. That year I went to an asylum for the criminally insane."

"Shit really?"

"Yeah, it's all written down in Lenalee's note book, you should give it a read some time. I don't think she reads any of it, it's just something that brings her a level of comfort."

Kanda thought that maybe this was a good idea because it would help him with understanding a bit more into the bean sprouts twisted head.

They arrived back at the unit and Kanda once again carried Allen back into the unit. He dropped Allen onto the bed, figuring he would just kick him out later. He retrieved Allen's medication and forced it onto him with a glass of water. He was out in seconds. It was when he was putting the little plastic bottles back on the counter that Kanda noticed the price. He had paid for them with his credit card, and at the time hadn't looked at the price, he had just wanted to get the fuck out of the hospital. Focusing on the price his eyes nearly bulged out of his head. Taking the bean sprout in was going to be an expensive endeavour. Not even mentioning the meds there was the colossal amount of food he ate, and he didn't have an clothes, and the extra amount of gas and electricity he was going to have to pay with an extra person around. There was no way he was going to be able to afford it all.

He search through his pockets and finding his phone, called Lenalee.

"Hello." She answered sweetly.

"Hi, you need to get a job."

….

**The song I used for the title of this chapter can be found here.**

.com/watch?v=JIrUqsB-0vw

**I was listening to it a lot while writing the second half of this chapter and it probable influenced what I wrote incase anyone was interested.**

**Oh yeah ignore the Australian / New Zealand fighting in the comments, it's really just like sibling rivalry.**


	10. The Eighth Year

**Sorry it took me forever to update this. I finished off one of my stories, started another that I became obsessed with, and totally neglected this one. It's probably still a little crap and although I spell checked it, it's probably still full of mistakes knowing me.**

**Anyway thanks for waiting for so long and I'll try to update more often.**

**Warnings: Some pretty horrific stuff happens in the chapter. To Allen. If you can tell what I'm hinting at and don't want to read it I suggest you turn away. Also I'm pretty sure some people will turn away from the story after this, but yeah, whatever, flame me all you want.**

**THH EIGHTH YEAR.**

All three of them could definitely say that the eighth year was probably the worst year for all of them, especially Allen.

When Lenalee woke that year she simply started screaming. Kanda woke where he always did, in his bed, but this time he wished he hadn't woken up alone. Allen woke up on someone else's couch gasping for breath, for seconds ago to him he was drowning. After catching his breath and realising that time had started over again he immediately started throwing up. When his stomach settled he ran from the apartment he was in. It took him a while to organise his thoughts of the life he was in now, the couch he was sleeping on belonged to Lavi. He felt a little bad about taking off after throwing up all over his floor, but Allen felt he had much more pressing matters to attend to. He ran all the way across town, catching a train, and then a bus, before arriving at Kanda's door.

He bashed at the door in a panic, knowing when the door was opened his fears would be confirmed. How much he wanted the door to open to a happy scene, but just knowing it wasn't going to. When the door opened he was met with a very sombre faced Kanda. Allen pushing passed him and rushed into the apartment looking around.

"Where is he?" Allen cried, checking every corner of the apartment.

The apartment was small and only had one bedroom, so it didn't take long. When every corner was checked, twice, Allen walked back to Kanda.

"I'm… so sorry." Allen muttered, his head hanging on his shoulders.

Kanda felt overwhelming rage and without thinking struck the bean across the face. Allen stumbled to the side and pressed his hand against his cheek, then looked up at Kanda his emotions blank. This only infuriated Kanda more as he raised his fist and struck him again. With the second blow Allen fell to the ground, obviously dazed. He looked up again but this time the look on his face was different. It was the face of acceptance with a hint of want. Almost like he WANTED to be hit again. Kanda was more than happy to comply and he stomped forward and kicked the boy in the ribs as hard as he could, feeling extremely satisfied as he heard a small crack.

Allen's hands failed to hold him up and he fell to the ground with a gasp, pressing his hand against his side. He struggled for breath even as he looked up at Kanda and gave him the same look. Once again the look fuelled Kanda's anger even more. He strode over to Allen and grabbed a fistful of hair, pulling him up by it. When he could see Allen's face clearly he punched him again, feeling the hair pull out in his grip as he fell to the ground once again. Allen groaned in pain and rolled onto his back, his breaths short gasps. Kanda took the opportunity to walk up and kick him viciously in the ribs again, happy to hear another snap. Allen gasped again and started taking heaving breaths, every time he tried to breath in too deep he felt a searing pain in his chest.

Kanda watched the squirming figure on the ground and could not help but smile. He hated this person in front of him, he wanted to cause them the most ultimate pain. He lashed out kicking again and caught the boy in the legs this time around. The hatred he felt for this person he couldn't explain. He hated this person, he wanted him to suffer, he wanted him to feel the most unimaginable pain possible, he wanted to defile him. Ruin him in every way possible.

Kanda had a sudden thought, and a sick smile spread out on his face as he walked over and picked the bean up off the floor by his hair. He pulled the struggling figure up completely and watched him squirm in his grip. He then tossed the figure to the side, his already cracked ribs hitting the corner of the bed. He slid to the floor with a choke of pain clutching his side once again.

Kanda didn't give him long to recover as he stalked towards him again. He picked him up by the scruff of his shirt this time, lifting him up high before slamming him back down on the bed. He straddled the gasping figure on the bed and raised his fists once again beating into that face he hated so much. His lip split open, blood running down his chin, shortly after his eyebrow split as well sending more blood running down his face. Kanda didn't care, he was enjoying every murmur and yelp of pain that escaped the bean sprouts lips. Kanda only stopped hitting him when the sounds of pain stopped. He looked down at the bloodied mess that was Allen's face, panting heavily. Allen was barely conscious and it took all his effort to focus on Kanda's face.

When Kanda saw the look in Allen's eyes he just wanted to beat him all over again. But he couldn't stand to look at the idiots face any longer, even if his fists were connecting with the idiots face. He moved himself to the side off the boys body so he could grab his shoulder and flip him onto his front. He mashed the bloodied face into the mattress, hoping to suffocate the idiot. He only saw it for a second, that one eye peaking out the side, between the locks of white hair and through the blood. When he saw it he realised everything he had done just wasn't enough. There was still more hurt for this body to feel without dying and he was going to provide it.

…

It was minutes for Kanda, for Allen it was hours, days, weeks. Kanda rolled to the side off of Allen and lay on the bed panting deeply, his body still shuddering slightly from the extremity of his climax. He felt more relaxed, peaceful even until he felt movement beside him. He turned his head slightly to see Allen. He had pushed himself up slightly but seemed unable or unwilling to move any further. He rested on his elbows that were tucked into his chest, his eyes were wide and staring straight down. The tears had stopped falling but the tear tracks were still obvious on his cheeks. His breathing was shallow and shuddered, all over he was a complete mess. Kanda didn't give a shit, the sight of the bean sprout was ruining his peaceful moment. He rolled towards Allen, placed a hand on his shoulder and shoved him off the bed.

"Get the fuck out." He growled.

Allen gasped heavily on the ground, strings of blood and saliva fell from his gasping mouth to soak into the carpet. He tried to stand up and found that his legs wouldn't obey him. He struggled in vain a few moments before giving up, crawling along on his elbows instead, pushing his limp body slowly forward. He had just managed to grab a hold of his discarded pants, when Kanda got up with a growl. He stormed towards Allen and grabbed him by the hair again. Within a few seconds he had dragged Allen to the door of his unit and flung him out. Allen crashed into the opposite wall of the hallway and slid down to the ground leaving a trail of blood as he went. Without another thought Kanda slammed the door shut and moved back to the bed. He flopped down on it feeling worn out and promptly fell asleep.

….

When Kanda woke he couldn't remember the last time he had had such a good sleep. He rolled onto his side and let his eyes slowly drift open. The first thing he saw was the colour red, and pressed so close to his face. He couldn't remember having red sheets ever, or owning anything red at all. He sat up rubbing at his eyes, still half asleep, and tried to focus on whatever the red thing was. When he was awake enough he realised the red he had seen was a blood stain on his white sheets. He stared at it confused for a moment and then his memories returned to him.

He leapt up off the bed and looked down at the blood that marred the sheets. The sheets were entirely streaked with blood, but there were two specific spots that held actual pools of blood. The one the Kanda had awoken in was the blood from the bean sprouts face, he recalled vividly pushing his head into the mattress, trying to suffocate him. His eyes trailed down to the second pool which was actually larger, and started to feel sick. This pool of blood was from where he had forced himself into Allen. He couldn't believe he had actually done that, he had raped Allen. He had always hated the bean in a way but to do such a thing to him. Kanda found it hard to comprehend that despite his own ability at cruelty, that he had actually managed to force that on someone. The worst thing yet… he had actually enjoyed it.

He had loved every moment of it. Beating Allen with his fists, and kicking him, cracking his ribs. And then, that moment, when he had pushed his way inside, wanting Allen to feel the worst pain imaginable, he had loved it. Also, and he couldn't manage to control his shudder of arousal, it had been the best orgasm he had ever had. It was simply amazing, utterly breath taking, and so long lasting. In a way he was disgusted with himself, but another part of him wanted to feel that pleasure again.

He decided he needed to talk to someone, tell them what he had done. He walked over to his phone and opened his contact list, ignoring the first entry (Allen), he scrolled his way down to Lenalee's number. As he pushed dial he wondered how exactly he was going to word to Lenalee that he had raped Allen. He didn't usually speak of his problems but this was one he really needed to talk about, this was really, really bad. As the phone continued to ring he finally focused on why he had wanted to hurt Allen so bad in the first place. The phone rang out, and he figured Lenalee was feeling as great amount of pain as he was. Never the less he dialled the number again, wanting her to pick up, needing to tell her. In a sick sort of way he hoped that Lenalee condoned what he had done.

He really just wanted to make himself feel just that little bit better over what he had done. That last year, the seventh year, Lenalee and himself had lost something. Something that no one in their right mind would really want to lose. He knew Lenalee was hurting too, which made him want to talk to her all the more. What was she going through? Did she want to cause Allen as much pain as he himself had? Or was she just wallowing in sadness. The phone rang out for a second time and Kanda decided to give up for the time being. He threw the phone to the side idly and finally registered that he was naked and sitting in a pool of Allen's dried blood. Blood and other things.

He got up and stripped the bed of all it's sheets and shoved them in the bin. He then went to have a shower, ignoring the other blood stains on the carpet.

…

Three days passed and Kanda had heard no reply from Lenalee, even though he had left her countless messages and sent numerous texts, she was silent. There was a knock on the door and Kanda leapt to his feet thinking that it was Lenalee. When he opened the door however he was shocked to see Allen standing at his door. He stood with his head hung, his white hair covering his face. His hands thrust in the pockets of his hooded jacket. Kanda honestly didn't know what to say, he didn't know weather to apologise or start hitting the idiot all over again.

"Hey." Allen said, still looking down. "Can I come in?"

Kanda continued to gawk at him before moving aside and allowing the bean entrance. Allen shuffled his way inside, seeming to favour his right side. He made his way over the bed and stood to the side of it staring down at the stains on the mattress. As it turned out Kanda only had one set of sheets and he had thrown them away, so the bed was bare. The blood had easily soaked through the sheets to stain the mattress though. Allen continued to stare down at the stain, his face hidden from Kanda who was still standing by the door, mouth hanging slightly open.

Neither of them moved for a time until Kanda eventually snapped out of it and finally slammed the door shut. Allen didn't jump at the sound but continued to stare at the bed. Kanda, feeling irritated, walked over to stand next to the bean, who continued to stare at the bed. Finally, curiosity got the better of him and Kanda had to ask.

"Why didn't you fight back?" He asked trying to make it sound as if he didn't care. He mostly didn't, but just a teensy bit of him did.

Finally Allen turned away from the bed to look up at Kanda, giving him a full view of what he had down to Allen's face. His left eye was barely open having swollen shut, the bruising spreading to his right eye, but with less swelling. His swollen eye was a mix between bright purple and angry red, which also covered most of his cheek. His lips were split both top and bottom, the left side of his mouth also surrounded by a mottled red bruising. His brow had been spilt in two and was now held together by a piece of medical tape. Kanda kept his face blank of emotion as he stared at what he had done, and instead waited for Allen's answer.

It took Allen a while to respond and when he did it wasn't what Kanda was expecting.

"Because I deserved it." He said softly, his words sounding slurred.

"Too fucking right you did." Kanda growled.

Even though he said this he knew it wasn't really Allen's fault. He was a victim as well, but Kanda just wanted to take his anger out on the idiot. Therefore in his own twisted logic he truly believed that Allen deserved everything that happened to him.

"I'm sorry." Allen said barely louder than a whisper.

"Don't fucking say that." Kanda snapped , shaking in rising anger.

Allen looked at him thoughtfully before stepping forward and pressing the palms of his hands to Kanda's chest. He then stood on his tippy toes and placed his mouth next to Kanda's ear so he could whisper.

"Do it again."

Kanda's body seemed to be able to react faster than his brain, because by the time his brain did register what had been said, he had already grabbed Allen and kneed him in the stomach. With his body still tender from the earlier beating Allen fell to the ground easily, clutching his stomach tightly.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kanda yelled down at him.

"Do…" Allen started before coughing a few times. "Do… it, again."

Kanda's vision blurred in anger and he felt his fists connect with flesh once again. He was in a blind fury and when he could see clearly again he was straddling Allen, his hands around the boys neck, and his face a bright red. Kanda immediately let go and pushed himself up and away from the boy. Allen rolled to his side hacking and coughing, trying to take deep breaths which only caused him to cringe in pain even more. He pressed his hands to his bandaged chest and tried to control his breathing.

When his breathing was steady he heard Kanda ask.

"How many ribs did I brake?" Kanda asked, still panting slightly.

"Four." Allen said letting out a groan of pain.

"Tch." Was all Kanda said, thinking that four wasn't enough. He strode over to the figure on the ground and grabbed handfuls of his shirt, pulling him up off the ground. He dragged the limp body over to the bed and threw him on it. Allen instantly curled up and squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the pain. He felt the bed move as another body lay down on it, but what he didn't expect were arms to encircle his chest and pull him close. He opened his eyes in surprise, mixed with panic. He waited for something to happen, for Kanda to do something to him again, but when nothing came he felt himself start to cry.

"I'm sorry." He croaked around his sobs. "I'm so sorry."

The arms that held him closed around him painfully tight and he hiss in the pain it brought to his broken bones.

"Don't say that." Kanda growled at him.

"But I am, I'm so sorry." He said again despite the pain.

Kanda very deliberately applied pressure to his chest, causing him to clench his teeth in pain.

"I said don't say that." Kanda snapped again.

"Alright." Allen said between gasps of pain.

After a while Allen's gasping stopped but he continued to cry, trying to keep it quiet.

"Stop crying." Kanda demanded.

"But I can't." Allen said, crying all the more louder because of it.

Kanda removed his arms from around his body and gripped his shoulder tightly forcing the body to turn around until they were face to face.

"Just stop." Kanda said locking eyes with Allen. "There is no point in crying, and it's fucking annoying."

He reached his hand up intending to wipe away the tears but stopped when Allen flinched away from him. He sighed and let his hand drop, and opted to just pull Allen close to his chest.

"Just stop."

He felt Allen's head nod against his chest, and the sobs slowly died down. After awhile Kanda noticed the bean's breathing became slow and steady in an obvious state of sleep. He pulled the body a little closer, rested his chin on snow white hair and closed his own eyes. Eventually Kanda fell into a deep sleep of his own, feeling some form of comfort with the body that was pressed against his own.

….

On the other side of town Lenalee was also lying in bed crying while arms encircled her. The difference though was that the arms belonged to a stranger who had simply paid for the night. But that wasn't what Lenalee cried about, she buried her face into the satin sheets and cried for her lose. At least the man with her in the bed would provide a small distraction, at least for a little while.

….

**Yeah, yeah, you hate me right? But honestly who saw that happening? And I didn't just do it for fun, it's important later on in the story I SWEAR**


	11. The Eighth Year Pt 2

**THE EIGHTH YEAR, PART TWO.**

Kanda, in a fit of rage, had thrown his phone to the ground, stepped on it, kicked it, and then reversed over it, twice. After all that he doused the shattered pieces in lighter fluid and set it on fire. Once the phone had been reduced to a pile of twisted charred plastic, he went off to buy another one. Since his SIM card had also been reduced to a pile of ash he got a new number as well. The woman at the store asked him if he wanted his old number attached to the phone. He was about to say yes but then decided to get a whole new number, in his eyes it was a big 'fuck you' to the twisted world they lived in. He always had the same number, so to him this was one of those few little things that he could accomplish. Of course there was only one number different between his new number and his old number.

He put the new phone together and turned it on, he had two bars of power immediately. The first thing he did was call Lenalee, he knew the number off by heart. He called everyday, sometimes more than once and often he left loud and close to pleading messages. He knew that eventually she would have to pick up, she couldn't ignore him forever. Now that he had a new number he knew he had a better chance. If she didn't know that it was him calling there was a chance that she would actually pick up.

He dialled her number and held the phone to his ear, his breath caught in his throat. It ran three times before it picked up. He continued to hold his breath as he heard her voice for the first time in six months.

"Hello!" She answered with false happiness.

He couldn't speak at first, the phone had rung out so many times that, now that she had answered he had no idea what he was going to say. So instead he just said her name.

"L-Lenalee." He said barely above a whisper.

He was met with silence, so he called her name once again.

"Lenalee."

"Kanda." She said in a gasp.

"Where have you been? Why wont you answer when I call? Why wont you talk to me?" He asked rapidly.

"Kanda, I… I … can't."

"Why not?" He almost shouted down the phone.

"I just can't look at you, without thinking about… and I don't want to see him. I don't want to think about it."

"Don't call him an 'it'."

Once again he was met with silence.

"I'm just not ready yet?" She said at last.

"What for?" Kanda said, almost shouting once more.

"I just can't face either of you yet, and, I don't think I can even look at Allen."

"Fuck Allen, at least talk to me. It's not just you, I went through the same shit as you last year."

"No!" She chocked, holding in her need to cry. "No, it was a lot different for me."

"Bull shit Lenalee, how would you know how it feels for me?"

"And how would you know what I feel?" She shrieked down the line.

More silence and then, "I'm sorry Kanda, I…I'll call you when I'm ready to talk. Please stop calling me."

"Wait hold on, just…"

But the line was dead.

Kanda immediately hit redial and let it ring until it rang out, and then another three times before he gripped the phone so tightly it snapped in his hand.

…

Allen was sitting at the table, waiting for Kanda. He didn't have much else to do and since he needed to be there when Kanda came home he never left. He just sat and waited. And that was exactly what he was doing when he heard Kanda storm up the shared hallway. It was obvious before he even opened the door, that Kanda was extremely angry. Allen felt fear grip him and prepared himself for whatever was to come.

The door flew open revealing Kanda. He walked in slamming the door shut behind him, eyes darting around the apartment. When his gaze landed on Allen he let out a growl and stalked towards him. Allen kept his gaze down cast, breathing steadily and mentally preparing himself for what was to come next. He was still looking down as he was picked up by the collar of his shirt and thrown across the room, slamming into the far wall. His head snapped back against the hard surface and he felt blood start to slide down the back of his head and run down the collar of his shirt. Dazed Allen looked up and saw the clear blue sky through the window. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and Allen knew outside it was a perfect day, it had been so long since he had been outside. His thoughts were interrupted as he was lifted by his shirt again and slammed into the window behind him.

"I can't fucking wait for this year to be over just so I can fucking forget about it and the last one!" Kanda screamed, slamming Allen against the wall once again.

Allen grabbed Kanda by the wrist and tried to talk sense into him.

"Don't think like that Kanda! Do you really want to forget?"

Kanda slammed his fist into Allen's stomach as an answer, wanting the stupid idiot to just shut the hell up.

"D-don't" Allen wheezed out. "Don't… think … like that," He stopped speaking in order to catch his breath and continue. "Why admit that you're going to forget, how do you know this wont be the last year?"

"Because it's never the last year!" Kanda screamed throwing him to the floor and kicking him once again. "It's never ends! We just have to keep living through this shit over and over again because some sick bastard out there likes to see us suffer."

He drove his foot into Allen's stomach again, then kicked him onto his back, pushing his foot down on his small chest.

"P-please, don't forget K-Kanda," Allen gasped, trying to remove Kanda's foot from his chest. "If there is…. som-someone out there… having… fun from all this. You, are… letting them win."

Kanda leaned down and picked Allen up again, slamming him against the wall and shaking him over and over.

"I want to forget!" Kanda screamed, "I want to forget! I want to forget! I don't want this any more!"

He dragged Allen across the room and threw him on the bed, shedding his clothing as Allen landed in a heap. Allen, already knowing what was about to happen, lay still and just let it happen. That was what he was there for, to let Kanda use him , and kick him around. To be Kanda's punching bag as he dealt with his grief so that no one else would be on the receiving end of it. Even as he shuddered as his clothes were torn from him, he didn't move or protest. He deemed that it was better this way. Better for him to feel this pain so that no else would, and maybe he could heal some of Kanda's pain, because he knew that through all this pain, Kanda was feeling something a lot worse.

He repeated these thoughts over and over again, even as he hid his head in his hands, and his head was repeatedly rammed against the head board of the bed. As the pain seared through him, and Kanda's fist connected with his face, he knew it was nothing quiet like the pain that Kanda and Lenalee felt. He accepted the pain, because it was his fault that they felt that way. He buried his face in the bed sheets and cried, not for himself but for them, and that which was lost. He would just have to endure it, knowing that when Kanda had finished he wouldn't have to feel the pain again for a while. But then he cried more, feeling selfish for wanting his own brief moment of pain to end soon, knowing theirs would continue.

In the end Kanda finished up and Allen waited for the moment, craved it, when Kanda would lie back down and hold him in his arms. He let out a soft sigh, closing his eyes waiting for the closeness, only to be picked up and thrown again. He flailed on the floor, getting caught up in his jeans which were bunched around his ankles. Over the past six months Kanda had always been calmed after the assault. But now, for the first time, the sex had failed to calm him down. As Allen pulled his pants up he watch as Kanda stormed around his unit tearing the place a apart. His furniture was kicked over, his fist went through his flat screen and then he went over the the table and chairs. He picked up one chair and began to bash it over the table top until it broke. The remaining five chairs got the same treatment, until every chair was in pieces and the table top was dented and scratch beyond repair.

While this was happening Allen shuffled backwards not wanting to earn any more of Kanda's rage, until his back hit a wall. He drew his legs up to his chest, even as it caused his body to ache, and hid his head in his arms waiting for Kanda to stop. Kanda then entered the kitchen and started grabbing food and crockery from the cupboards, all of it smashing to the ground. He tipped his refrigerator over, and a frying pan went through the window above Allen's head, showering him with broken glass. He whimpered in fright, burying his head further into his arms. Kanda had just snapped the brushed end off his broom when the sound of Allen's whimpering caught his ear. He gripped the wooden shaft tightly and turned his anger back to Allen.

Stalking across the room, he grabbed Allen and tore his arms away, revealing his scratched and bleeding face. Allen looked up at him completely terrified, it was the worst mood he had ever seen Kanda in.

"I fucking hate you." Kanda said raising the stick above his head, before bringing it back down with force.

The stick struck Allen's shoulder, sending a shock of pain through his body. He fell to the side and covered his head with his arms. The stick come down again, connecting with his thighs, his legs, his back, his chest, everywhere. Each time he was hit a fresh shock travelling through his body, leaving his fleshing stinging and throbbing. Each hit eliciting a small squeak or yelp of pain. It wasn't until his body had gone numb from the repeated blows that it actually stopped. When nothing came for more than a minute, Allen risked a glance over his arm. Kanda was still standing above him, but his hands were hanging limp by his side, the stick dangling from his grip. Allen pushed himself up, his right side still having most of it's feeling.

"Kanda?" He whispered.

"I hate you." Kanda spat, another flash of anger appearing in his eyes.

He raised the stick once again and brought it down for the last time, the loud snapping sound of shattered wood and breaking bone, finally drawing Kanda out of his rage.

Take a deep breath Kanda dropped the remains of the stick hearing it clatter to the ground along with a loud thump. Looking down he saw the sprout, completely out cold. At the last minute he had raised his arm to protect his face, causing the momentum of the swing to smash the bone, breaking it so badly there was an obvious bend in his arm. But that wasn't all the last blow had done, the splintered end of the stick had torn into his face, cutting him open right along the mottled birthmark that marred the left side of his face. There was also a steady flow of blood running from his nose, and slight trail from the corner of his mouth.

"Shit." Kanda gasped stepping back.

He walked back to his demolished room and picked a set of clothes out of the mess, he had been naked the whole time. He quickly dressed and grabbed his car keys before turning back to the unconscious bean. He knelt beside him and slid his arms under the unconscious figure, picking him up as gently as possible. He carried the bean to his car and buckled him in place, not a sound coming from him the whole time. Kanda quickly got in and drove off at his usual break neck speed.

…

It was hard for him to wake up, he didn't really want to, but for some reason he knew he should. There was something nagging at him, telling him it was important for him to wake. So grudgingly he creaked his eyes opened and looked around. It was dark, and he knew from the smell of disinfectant and the blur and beep of machinery that he was in a hospital. He shifted slightly and with a great deal of pain drew his head up. He could sense that there was someone near by, very close at the end of his bed. He heard the sound of pages turning and when he finally focused he took in the figure of Lenalee standing at the end of his bed, holding a clipboard in shaky hands.

He was about to call out to her, tell her how happy he was to see her, when he noticed that she was wearing a hospital gown herself. His eyes trailed over her body, trying to figure out why she was there herself. Eventually his eyes landed on a neat line of stitches that ran almost the whole way across her neck. His eyes widened and he sat all the way up, his body feeling stiff as he did. He had obviously been lying still for a long time, days even, and his body was full of drugs. The movement caught Lenalee's attention and she looked up at him with glazed eyes, a trail of tears running down her face.

"Len-" His voice caught, his throat too dry, and he coughed a few times before speaking again. "Lenalee? Where, have, you been?"

It was so hard for him to talk.

"Allen." She said in a trembling voice, the clipboard still in her hands.

Allen noticed his name attached to the back of it on a piece of masking tape.

"Who did this to you?"

"W-what?"

She walked over to his side and wrapped an arm around his back, helping him stay up right.

"This." She said placing the clipboard in his lap.

He reached out with shaky hands, a large bulky cast around his left, and pick it up. He flicked through the pages, reading his own history. There was a list of broken bones, internal bleeding and then the words he didn't want to read himself, let alone have Lenalee read them.

_"Patient shows signs of repeated physical and sexual abuse, all within the last six to eight months."_

His hands started to shake and the clipboard fell from his hands. He didn't want her to know, he didn't want her to ever know. It was something he did to cause her from having to deal with further pain herself. But now she knew and it hurt her, and he hated himself.

"Who did this? I thought you were with Kanda?"

He didn't want to tell her, but before he knew it, the words had slipped from his mouth.

"K-Kanda did it."

She drew him forward and crushed him against her, crying heavily. She was so caught up that just didn't notice the grimace of pain or the sharp intake of breath. He raised a shaky hand and brushed it along her neck, felling the rise of stitched flesh beneath his fingers. She gasped and pushed him back, slapping a hand over her own injury.

"What, happened?" He asked, his eyes going out of focus again.

"Nothing… just a… my boss didn't screen the customers properly enough."

"Customers?"

"It doesn't matter." She said turning to walk away. "Go back to sleep."

"No!" He yelled, his voice hoarse and painful. "Wait, don't go, where have you been?"

"It doesn't matter." She walked across the ward and settled on a bed. She had been admitted to the same hospital and had the bed directly across from him, another strange twist of fate.

She pulled out one of the draws beside her bed and took out a set of clothes. She changed quickly not caring that Allen saw her naked, she didn't care about such things anymore, it was just a body nothing more. She dressed in a small beaded top that rose above her mid drift revealing her stomach. Her skirt, if you could call it that, was a thin piece of leather that looked like it would have more use as a belt that a skirt. Dark torn stockings went on next and a pair of oversized hooped earrings were attached to her ears. Last of all she opened another draw and pulled out a pair of slick black/green high heeled shoes, the heel chunky and almost six inches long. With the pair of shoes she pulled out a clutch, also beaded and a similar shade of black/green.

When completely dressed she clipped across the room back to Allen who was staring at her and her outfit. She hovered at the end of his bed, biting her lip.

"I'm going now, Allen, I don't think we'll be seeing each other again for a while."

"Wait… why?"

"I can't deal with it yet, and learning this…about what he did to you. I don't want to see him again, ever."

"D-don't go." Allen said shuffling out of the bed trying to stand. His feet hit the floor but they refused to hold him up, his body crumpled to the floor.

She clopped towards him, the sound of her heels almost deafening in the silence of the night. She knelt down next to him, brushing the hair from his forehead.

"I'm sorry Allen, that you had to go through this, but, I don't want to see you either."

She leant down and kissed his forehead gentle. Allen whined and reached out for her, wanting her to stay, wanting comfort. She withdrew out of his reach and leaned up, pressed the nurse call button. As soon as the sound rang out she turned and ran from the ward, disappeared from sight. Allen was left to lie on the floor, hands stretch out to her, too weak to even push himself up. He heard the approach of steady feet and as the nurse entered the ward he slipped from consciousness again.

…

Two weeks, nine hours, five councillors, three social workers, and two police visits later, Allen was released from the hospital. People told him about therapy, about houses that helped people like him, told him they would give him some where to stay. He refused, and said he had somewhere to go. The police came and talked about inquires and pressing charges, Allen ignored them until they left. When dressing to leave one of the nurses came in and begged him to call one of the halfway houses, said it was better than where he was going. Allen simply gave her a polite smile and left, he had somewhere to go. Besides it was his choice and it wasn't as if he didn't know what he was walking into. He slowly made his way back to Kanda's house and knocked on the door.

The door flew open and Kanda grabbed him by the collar dragging him in, slamming the door shut behind him. Allen squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for a fresh assault only to find himself crushed into a tight embrace. He opened his eyes to only see Kanda's chest, looking up into Kanda's eyes he saw a sober expression, his eyes surrounded by dark circles. Slowly, and a little unsure, Allen raised his arms and embraced Kanda back.

"I'm sorry." Kanda whispered.

Allen didn't know what to say, except.

"I saw her… in the hospital."

"I know, she called me and chewed me out for a good twenty minutes and then hung up. At the end she told me not to bother calling ever again."

"S-sorry, I didn't want for her to know, but, she read my file and, it just slipped out."

"It's alright," Kanda said, reaching up to stroke the bean's messy hair. "It's better that she does, it's… made me better… I think."

"I'm still sorry."

"Shut up." He mumbled, pulling him in tighter.

…

**FINALLY!**

**Sorry my internet was disconnected, Telstra told me I didn't pay my bill, which was bull, I always pay my bill. It took me forever to get reconnected, after proving of course that I had paid my bill. Stupid idiots. After this I'm finally going to go read all the stories that have piled up in my Inbox while I was away *happy dance***

**DJ Cubed: I'm hoping this chapter will reveal what Lenalee was really doing with that guy. And why Komui doesn't know about it, it's a bit vague but I'm hoping I got the idea across.**

**Lingering Sorrow: Yeah it's pretty horrible for Allen, but he is the type to take on others pain for them isn't he?**

**alguien22792: I also like their twisted relationship, it turned out a lot different then I originally planned. And yes! Success! I've been wondering if people were curious about the seventh year so thanks!**

**Sonnenkoenign: Thank you for summing up the meaning behind the last chapter so much better than I could ever hope to within the chapter! P.s. Always been meaning to finally finish reading the Cronicles of Narnia, I should really get onto that because the Island of dreams sound most interesting.**

**Hanashi o sure: Your support and reviews are always so welcome.**

**allicat: I hope I continue to make you think that with each chapter!**

**Alright that's me out.**

**ciao and please review.**


	12. The Eighth Year Pt 3

**The Eighth Year Part Three.**

After the hospital and after Lenalee chewed Kanda out, the two of them slipped into a strange and silent rut. Kanda would go to work, Allen would stay in the destroyed house and look out the window. They both felt a little lost as to what to do next. Mostly they were just waiting out the year. Kanda was left wondering what the next year was going to be like, if Lenalee would still hate him. Allen thought about all the many different ways he could die this time. All three of them were just waiting for Allen to die.

Kanda and Allen didn't talk to each other for almost a month. Then Kanda came home one day to find his completely ruined apartment was empty of rubble. He walked in gaping and then noticed Allen passed out on the bed, one of the only things that was left in one piece. He walked over to Allen and poked him a few times until he woke up. He blinked up at Kanda and then moved off the bed, settled himself on the floor and went to go back to sleep.

"Oi, Bean sprout?" Kanda called, nudging him with his boot, "Where's all the stuff?"

"I got rid of all the broken stuff, fixed what I could," he mumbled, snuggling into the floor.

Kanda grunted in a way that might have been appreciation, and made his way over to the bed. He sat down on it, kicked his shoes off and lay back.

"How long have you been sleeping on the floor?"

"Don't you know?"

Now that he thought about it, Kanda had been making him sleep on the floor the whole year.

"You can sleep up here if you want."

"N-no thanks, I-I'll be right," Allen stuttered.

"Get your arse up here, I'm not going to do anything."

Allen dragged himself to his feet and sat on the edge of the bed. He lay down stifly, hovering as close to the edge as he could without falling off. He closed his eyes tightly and willed sleep to come. It was impossible to sleep though when he flinched at ever stir and every cough that came from Kanda.

"Sprout," Kanda said, causing Allen to flinch again, "Calm down, I can't sleep with you so tense."

"Sure, Kanda" he said, trying to relax.

He couldn't relax though, they lay for another hour before Kanda spoke again.

"For God's sake Sprout, calm the fuck down. Do you want to keep sleeping on the floor?"

"Yes," Allen said, he was a hell of a lot more comfortable on the floor when it came to such matters.

Kanda grumbled and grabbed the Bean, pulling him away from teetering on the edge. Allen instantly stiffened and prepared himself.

"I'm not going to do any thing," Kanda grumbled, and pulled him to his chest.

Allen remained tense, but he felt a sense of comfort with arms around him. He finally relaxed and pressed against Kanda's chest

"I'm sorry," Allen said.

"I'm sick of hearing you apologise, it wont do anyone any good. Now shut up and go to sleep."

"O-okay," Allen whispered, finally slipping into sleep.

After that their relationship changed. They still barely spoke to each other, but when they did it could be considered civil. They actually started to cook meals, and fell into a steady rhythm with each other. Allen would sleep in the bed every night with Kanda and his fear gradually disappeared.

One night while Allen slept peacefully, Kanda lay awake. He didn't want to call it guilt as he looked at the Bean sprouts sleeping face, but that's exactly what he was feeling. The chewing out from Lenalee was just what he needed, he was still angry but he knew now that taking his anger out on the Bean achieved nothing. It wasn't just being yelled at that helped him see that. It was being yelled at by Lenalee that made him realise. She was in the same boat and was feeling the same thing he was. She wasn't taking her anger out on Allen but on herself. It wasn't healthy but it was better than abusing Allen.

He let out a sigh and turned towards Allen, finding his sleeping face almost calming. And then the guilt hit him again, he hated the hot burning feeling that settled in the pit of his stomach and was constantly in the back of his mind. He didn't want to feel it anymore, he hated it.

He reached over and shook the Bean, making him grumble in his sleep and roll away. Kanda grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back over, effectively waking the Bean up. He gasped and pulled away, cringing slightly.

"Bean, I'm…"

He found he couldn't say the word. He never said that word to anyone, ever. What difference would it make at this point anyway?

"What I mean is," he started up again.

He couldn't say it, not when the Bean was staring at him like that. What way could he say he was sorry without actually saying the words?

He scooted over on the bed until he was mere inches for the Bean. The Bean himself looked a little scared but also curious.

_'What to do?'_ Kanda thought.

He couldn't just let it be, the guilt was killing him. In the end he pressed forward and kissed the Bean lightly on the lips. Then he grabbed his shoulder and lay him on his back, pushing the kiss more. It wasn't a rough kiss, or a dominating one. He was focusing all his attention on making it as enjoyable as possible for the Bean, even as he squirmed and pushed against him. Kanda didn't move though, and it was that, that made Allen calm down. He wasn't being hit and his clothes weren't being pulled from him, it was just a kiss.

At some point Allen realised what the kiss was, not exactly an apology, but Kanda's attempt at trying to do something nice for him, and it was nice. He hadn't felt anything so warm and gentle for such a long time. As it continued Allen started to cry, even as he pushed against Kanda, wanting to feel more.

Kanda broke it off when he could feel the Bean's tears against his cheek. He looked down at the crying face and wondered what he had done wrong.

"Kanda," Allen said through his tears, "That's the cruelest thing you've ever done to me."

He cried the whole night, Kanda trying to comfort him the best way possible.

After that their relationship changed again. Allen avoided Kanda for a full week. He didn't speak and he went back to sleeping on the floor. Kanda tried for the first day to get him to speak and promptly gave up. Mostly he was offend that his way of apology had been taken in such a bad way. He almost went back to beating the shit out of him.

Then after a week it stopped and Allen started crawling back into the bed with him. The second night after that Allen kissed him back. The third Kanda kissed him again. A full week went by and Kanda went down on Allen, the both of them silent the whole time. Three days after that, Allen did the same to Kanda.

After that Allen started following Kanda everywhere.

Then one night Allen offered himself to Kanda and he took him.

They fell into another strange routine, one constantly asking the other for some favour or another. Until one night Allen cried out to Kanda that he loved him.

Kanda was horrified. All the weeks of Allen following him around suddenly became a much different story. It began to scare him, and then he started to hate Allen all over again for the same and an entirely different reason.

How dare the Bean say these things to him. They were simple two people taking comfort in one another. There was no love, no feelings involved. He couldn't help but think that maybe Allen had forgotten what exactly they were in the middle of. He felt another pang of guilt then, thinking that Allen was simple so fucked up by the whole year and from all the beatings that he couldn't think straight. The only thing that made sense in Kanda's mind was that he had developed some form of Stockholm Syndrome. The Bean was clearly fucked in the head, and he wanted nothing to do with his love.

So after months of not calling, he rang Lenalee, and hoped she would pick up.

Thankfully she did, and she was actually grateful. He arranged a meeting and sent the Bean away for the day.

Allen had done what Kanda had asked, he went out, went to the movies and otherwise entertained himself until at least ten o'clock at night. At first he was a little worried about why Kanda had sent him away. Didn't he know what night it was? It was the night, the night when Allen was sure to die unless it truly was the year they stopped the endless cycle. He didn't want to be out, he wanted to be with Kanda in his final moments. He felt himself starting to panic, in the last few hours. How was he going to die? Would it be something sudden like a heart attack? Would it turn out he sneezed and some how burst a blood clot? Or would he get run over and spend hours in pain before dying. He was terrified.

He sat out front of the block of units from ten o'clock, Kanda said to stay out until eleven thirty so he decided to sit out the front until that time. He smiled thinking about Kanda, he must have wanted Allen to spend his last few hours doing whatever he wanted, having fun even. He had tried, but how are you suppose to have fun when you're constantly thinking about how you might die in just a few hours? He couldn't sit still, he tried to wait until eleven thirty but he found he couldn't. If he was to die by a heart attack he wanted to be in the arms of the one he felt he loved for the time being. So at eleven he couldn't stand it anymore and made his way back in.

The unit was dark, the only light coming from the bedroom. Without knocking Allen walked into the room and stopped when he saw what was before him.

It was completely innocent, but all he saw was the way they looked at each other, and the fact that Lenalee's hand was held tightly by Kanda. He staggered back from the room and fled to the kitchen. He didn't want to see that, not considering their history. Why was she here, why now? Didn't he deserve to die in the arms of the one he loved at least once? Of course he knew they were always drawn together in the last moment, but it just wasn't fair!

After panicking in the kitchen he stormed back into the bedroom, determined to find out what was going on.

"What the hell is this!" Allen yelled.

It wasn't what he had planned to say, but the words simple tore from his mouth. He didn't want them there, together. He didn't want Kanda touching anyone else but him. After all hadn't Kanda made it completely obvious that Allen belonged to him? He staggered towards the bed and rested his hands on Kanda's shoulders, completely ignoring Lenalee.

"Why're you doing this?" Allen chocked, "Why tonight?"

Kanda stood and pushed the Bean's arms away from him.

"What the fuck is you're problem, Bean?" he asked, leaving the room and heading to the kitchen.

He grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the tap. He gulped it down and turned around, finding the Bean standing right behind him, gaze down cast and tears dripping from his face.

"Can't I just have this night?" he cried quietly, "Can't I have one good night?"

"You're an idiot, Sprout, I don't feel that way for you."

"Bu-but, why? Why were you so nice to me? Why did you have to do that to me!" he was yelling now, tears still dripping from his face.

They both stood looking at the ground. Behind them Lenalee exited the bedroom and stood back to look at the two of them interact.

"But, I love you," Allen whispered.

Kanda didn't want to hear it, he certainly didn't want Lenalee to hear it. Hear it she did though, it was made evident by the way she gasped.

It was the way she gasped that really set Kanda off, he couldn't believe this little bastard in front of him, he hated him. Why should he feel something for him? He didn't, he couldn't, he couldn't feel anything for him but hatred. These words played in his head and it was those words that led him to open his kitchen draw and pull out a knife. It was small, a steak knife, but it would do enough damage.

He drew the knife out and with out Allen or even Lenalee noticing, he brought it up and stabbed it into Allen's chest.

When the two of them caught up with what Kanda had done, Lenalee shrieked, Allen looked up with a pain filled expression.

He pulled the knife out and Allen fell backwards, holding tightly to his bleeding chest.

Kanda knelt beside him and raised the knife again.

He stabbed him, over and over again. Lenalee shrunk into a corner and tried to block out the sound of Allen's gurgled breaths and the shucking sound of the knife being repeatedly stabbed into his chest.

Kanda didn't care about Allen's pain, or the chance that this could have been that last year if Allen had just lived. He didn't care because the sooner this year ended the sooner he could forget about the previous year, and for him to forget, Allen had to die.

So he raised the knife and brought it down again and again, bringing an end to the eighth year.

…

**IMPORTANT:**

**So, I'm sure you've all noticed that this story has been infrequent and not very well written the last few chapters.**

**Honestly I had to force myself to write this chapter.**

**I've not lost interest in this story, I just haven't had much inspiration for it recently.**

**I very much want to continue it, but at this point I wont be writing much more of it for the time being.**

**I was thinking about scrapping it, and then thought about re-writing the whole thing, but at the moment the best solution will be to put it on Hiatus until I feel the drive again.**

**To be all lame I have to say that I've been focussing on my story 'A Place Like This' so much that I haven't even been thinking about this or much of any other story my own or otherwise. I'm even finding it hard to review stories I love unless I have something terribly important to say. **

**Lame of me I know. So sorry for people who like this story an all that jazz.**

**It will continue, but I don't know when, so for now, See Ya Later**


	13. Chapter 13

**Indefinite Hiatus.**

**Yes it's one of those messages. Sorry for not having a real update. I was hoping to be back in the saddle by November, December the latest. But at this point all I can say I doubt I'll be updating anytime in the near future.**

**First off, I hate myself for posting one of 'these'.**

**Second, I know my stories aren't that fantastic anyway, but I hate it myself when stories aren't updated for months with no explanation.**

**Third, sorry for being a whiny bitch.**

**I'll update when I get that little thing called 'life' sorted.**

**Sorry again for lame non chapter**


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